I am Not Depressed and I am Not in Denial about Not Being Depressed!

I’m starting to worry about myself, just a little bit.

I have a phone interview on Monday afternoon for a telecommuting job.  The interviewer will be calling me from the west coast.  This could be a great opportunity for me.

Yet I’m having trouble working up much enthusiasm about the interview; really, about any job interview lately.  It's because, based on my past year-and-a-half’s jobhunting experiences, I just don’t expect to get the job.  They’re not going to offer it to me.  So why should I get my hopes up?

This is a pathetic attitude, I know.  I have to change it.  I mean, I really would like to be thinking, “This time, things will be different.  It’s my turn.  I’m due.  I’m overdue.”

I want to think this way, but how can I, when the overwhelming odds are that no job offer will be forthcoming?

I don’t want to think so negatively, because unconsciously, it may make me come across to the interviewer as less positive and less confident than I want to sound.  Maybe I just feel that it’ll be easier on me when I don’t get the job if I don’t expect to get the job.

But I guess I do worry that I'm becoming depressed.  I really don’t think that I am, though.  I think I’m just protecting myself.  That’s a rational, logical thing to do, under the circumstances, don’t you think? 

I’m functioning just fine.  I get dressed and get out of the house every day.  I have outside interests and activities.  I enjoy things and smile and laugh and have fun.  And most of all, I have not given up on my job search. 

Except that sometimes, I notice that I’m not applying for jobs that I think are a stretch for me anymore.  I’m playing it a little safer.  I’m being pickier about what jobs I’ll try for.  I tell myself that it’s the quality of the job applications, not the quantity, that counts.  Or am I really doing this because fewer applications mean fewer rejections?  I don’t know. 

I think that how I’m feeling is a perfectly normal response to my situation.  How else are you supposed to feel after applying for dozens and dozens of jobs over 18 months or so without receiving a single job offer?  (I’m not counting a few short-term freelance projects.)  It would be wacky of me to expect to get an offer.

I just wonder if, because my expectations have gotten so low, subconsciously I’m not trying as hard as I used to (although I will deny this to myself).  Maybe I’m finding reasons not to apply for some jobs.  Why?  Because why go to the trouble when I already know that I’m not going to get the job?

Just as I will deny that I’m making less of an effort, I will also deny that I am becoming dispirited, that I’m losing hope and feel like giving up sometimes.  That’s just not me.  On the other hand, I do feel sometimes like, what’s the use? 

But that’s not giving up if I’m still trying to find a job, is it?  Or am I just going through the motions?