Sugar and Spice and Train Sets

This past week, my family celebrated two birthdays on the same day. My husband, Paul, turned 36 (I hope he doesn’t mind me telling all of Woodbridge that), and our daughter, Kimberly, turned 3. 

Yes, Kimmie was born on her daddy’s 33rd birthday.  He has said she was the best gift he’s ever received.  I figure I can’t even hope to top that, so I just hit the As Seen On TV store in the mall when his birthday rolls around, now. Surely, he can find a use for this awesome device that turns his car radio into a speakerphone! (Come on, who doesn’t need one of THOSE?)

Shopping for Kimmie’s birthday, though, I put some thought into.  Kimmie is an enigma to me. I am a self professed and very proud girlie girl. If it’s pink, I love it. If it sparkles, all the better. And if it’s something I can wear? Hand it over.

Unless it’s sooooo last season.

Joey, my other daughter, is just like me. We can spend hours in the mall together, trying on clothes and getting our faces done at department stores. Yes, my five year old has had a makeup counter makeover. It was one of the best times we’ve ever had together. In fact, mental note, we should totally do that again.

Kimmie likes “boy things”. That’s what Joey calls Kimmie’s toys, “boy things.”  When friends asked me what to get her for her birthday, I answered “What would your son like for his birthday? Get that.”  In fact, her catch-all bin in their impeccably organized (thank you, Ikea) play room is labeled, “Planes, Trains and Automobiles”.

She does like playing with her older sisters’ stuff, and her older sister is not always the best at sharing her stuff, so I did mention that she might like a few Barbies this year, and she got some. So far, she’s not that interested in them. But the Thomas the Tank Engine cars and tracks she received? Well, my kitchen is covered in train tracks.

It makes me think about gender “stereotypes,” the double standards that may exist there, and the boxes we tend to put our kids into. When our baby girls are born, we dress them in things that are pink and frilly. When we have baby boys, they get blue sleepers with trucks on them. But what happens when our babies start to get a little older and our girls like trucks, and our boys want a baby doll?

I like to think I’m a progressive minded mom, but I have to be honest here. If my son wanted to dress in a skirt for school, I might have some reservations about that. Yet, I have no problem with Kimmie only wanting to wear pants. Likewise, I think if our boy wanted to play with nothing but Barbies, I’d have an area of concern. But, for my daughter to play with nothing but trains? That’s just fine.

Maybe it’s a good thing I only have girls.

Cultural norms teach us that a girl who plays with “boy toys” is a “tomboy” and that is nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, we are often proud of our tomboys, right? How many times have I or my husband said “Oh, Kimmie is one tough cookie!” with a beaming smile and a ruffle of her head? 

Well, you can’t answer that, so I’ll do it for you. We’ve done it lots. Trust me.

At the same time, we’ll say “And Joey is our princess” with an indulgent smile. Almost as if to say, “She’s just a ‘normal’ girl.”

But Joey is just as special and precious as her little sister.  And Kimmie is no less female for her love of trucks.

Boys who are into “girl stuff” are “sissies” and “mama’s boys” and other less nice names.  It’s not cool and when I really sit back and think about it, it makes me angry. I’m not angry at society as a whole. I’m angry at myself for buying into it, and not even realizing that I’ve done so.

What makes us boys and girls does not lie in our toyboxes. I think we all know where it does lie. Young children need freedom to explore the world around them, and if that means my daughter is going to go through a truck phase, then more power to her. And if it means my son is going to go through a pink phase, well, I should be equally okay with that, right?

But I can honestly tell you that I don’t think I would be okay with that. And that kind of bugs me.

When shopping for Kimmie’s presents, I’m always tempted to get her a new baby doll, or some pretty dress up clothes. She’s my little girl. But I know she wouldn’t get any use out of that stuff. So I suck it up and get her the big dump truck with real working headlights that makes engine noises and has a back up beep.

I don’t have a son. I don’t plan on having any more children, so I’ll never know for sure. But I wonder, if I had a son who wanted to play dress up with his older sister, would he get the dump truck or a princess dress?