Long Island Mom Whose Son Died By Suicide: 'It's An Epidemic'

Tyler Miller Valcich was 20 years old when he died by suicide at his home in Montauk on May 26, 2014.

Her son, said Valinda Valcich, was funny and respectful; he loved muscle cars and was refurbishing one when he died. "He was there for anybody that needed a hand," she said.

Her son, she said, died by hanging, and she is the one who found him.

In the months and years since, Valcich said the worst day of her life is always just a heartbeat away. "It's hell, every day, every second," she said. "Hell on earth."

And now, she has devoted her life to raising awareness about suicide, to try and save other young lives. "I can’t have anybody going though the pain that I do, every second," she said. "I can’t go home. I can’t not go home. I can’t sell the house. His room is locked up; it's a shrine."

But even though she cries every time she speaks of her beloved boy, Valcich said the conversations need to be had about suicide, a painful subject still so enveloped in shame and secrecy that "everybody keeps it quiet," she said.

Despite the wall of silence, Valcich said, the numbers are mounting, even locally on the East End, where she said she's heard of other young people who have died after her son. "It's an epidemic," she said.

Sobering statistics

Suicide is a staggering concern: According to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the United States. Each year, 44,193 Americans die by suicide. For every suicide, 25 attempt to end their lives. And suicide costs the United States $51 billion annually.

Social media and suicide

New dangers exist: A deadly social media "Blue Whale" suicide challenged, where teens hurt themselves for 50 days before they commit suicide on the 50th day, has found its way from Russia — where it has reportedly been linked to 130 teen deaths, although no evidence has been found — and may have been seen in the United States. According to al.com, educators warned about the app, which they believed may have found its way onto high school campuses in Baldwin County, Ala.

Social media has also played a horrifying role in the deaths of teens who have died by suicide, posting their last, dying moments on Facebook Live in states including Florida and Georgia.

Texting can also push a person to their final act: On Friday, Michelle Carter was found guilty in Taunton, Mass., in a case that has garnered national attention: She was more than 30 miles away when 18-year-old Conrad Roy III died in a shopping center parking lot, but her texts to him proved that she failed to act to prevent his July 2014 death, judge Lawrence Moniz ruled Friday morning.

On July 12, 2014, Roy died in the parking lot of the Fairhaven Kmart from carbon monoxide fumes from a gas-powered water pump. Texts between the two show then-17-year-old Carter, 20, of Plainville, spending days encouraging Roy to end his life and telling him to get back into the truck when he began to have second thoughts. In his decision, Moniz said that Carter telling Roy to go back into the truck, knowing that the toxic environment would likely kill him, was wanton and reckless conduct. Her failure to notify someone of Roy's location violated state law.

Bullying blamed for suicide attempts

Social media has been blamed in many cases for egging kids on, pushing them over the edge when they're already fragile and clinging precariously to survival.

Her son, said Montauk's Valcich, was being bullied by friends in a scenario involving a girl before the day he ended his life. His friends had begun to ban her son and refusing to speak to him, she said.

"It's all a lot worse now, because of social media," Vachich said.

To that end, Vacich has set up an organization, The Tyler Project, to help teens in crisis and provide suicide awareness, prevention and support.

There is a dearth of help available for teens contemplating suicide on the East End, Vacich said, with the only option for help and psychiatric evaluation available at Stony Brook University Hospital, a long drive away — and even then, young people are often released on their own recognizance after 24 hours.

While the Family Service League does offer programs and services, Vachich and others feel that there's a critical need for greater services on the East End.

To that end, The Tyler Project aims to spotlight kids directly. Statistics indicate that teens who may feel hesitant to reach out to an adult will speak to one another. Through funding raised on a GoFundMe and donations, she has organized events such as bonfires and boat trips, where a therapist is available but teens can open up to one another in the "East End Chat and Chill Group."

So far, the low-key events have drawn about 180 kids together.

After East Hampton teen Matthew Lester died by suicide recently, East Hampton High School Principal Adam Fine said faced with a student's suicide, there are ways to help young people cope with grief and shock.

"East Hampton High School uses the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention Toolkit as a guide as we respond to tragedy," he said.

On Friday, he gave a long list of programs the school has introduced over the past five years, including suicide prevention programs, community forums, Coming Out days, cyber-bullying discussions, ongoing class meetings and many more. "I think I am safe in saying no school in the United States does more than East Hampton High School," he said.

So far, more than $250,000 in crisis support has been garnered through the East End Mental Health Initiative.

But the spotlight needs to continue to shine, Fine said.

“Increased use of social media has made my kids more comfortable sharing thoughts they would have never shared in the past," Fine said. "This could be a good thing, but also can make kids say things to others which could be hurtful. It presents numerous challenges for schools as we try to monitor these platforms. Threats of any nature that are through social media present a very unique challenge. Many times we do not see these threats for days because a student might not bring them forward. Obviously, anyone asking another person to take their own life is horrifying. I have not seen that in our community, but I am prepared and hope other students would alert us of this type of online behavior.”

Valcich said her own efforts will continue as she expands The Tyler Project to include a new group for ages 30 and older, as well as an office in Sag Harbor and one in the Riverhead area.

And success is slowing gaining traction, she said. "We've saved probably seven kids already."

On the global scale, work needs to be done to address social media, Valcich said. "Social media is the main culprit. There are no restrictions, no monitoring," she said. "Parents don't know what to do because they don't understand the technology." She added that parents should not be buying smart phone for kids as young as 5 years old.

Software needs to be installed to block sites that pose dangers on kids' phones and laptops, she believes.

And most important, Valcich said, stories need to be told. "You don't read about suicide in the newspaper. People keep it quiet. We need to make everyone aware that there's an epidemic out there."

Another issue that could lead to suicide is the burgeoning heroin and opioid crisis, she added.

The issue needs constant attention, Valcich said. "This is not a one time thing. We have to keep drilling it in everyone's heads so they will understand."

North Fork seeking solutions

As suicide remains an escalating concern on the East End, Southold Town is taking steps to help stop future tragedies and addressing the dire need for a satellite mental health facility on the East End.

The town has planned two SafeTALK community trainings with an eye toward suicide prevention.

Every year, 42,000 teens and adults die by suicide in the United States, a release from Southold Town said.

"You can help to reduce this tragic statistic by recognizing the key indicators which may signify this tendency," the release added.

One way residents can empower themselves is to become "suicide alert;" SafeTALK is a half-day, internationally recognized suicide-alertness seminar meant to prepare anyone over the age of 15 to recognize the signs.

Participants in the program learn how to help by using "TALK – tell, ask, listen, and keep safe."

With a goal of stemming a growing tide, the Family Service League offered the free three hour SafeTALK training seminar.

After the South Fork was faced with tragedy and a number of teen suicides in recent years, New York State provided funding for enhanced mental health services.

Reaching out to teens

East Hampton therapist Mary Bromley said the answer lies in reaching out to other teens.

"Kids themselves are the first line of defense, because kids always tell other kids. If kids can be educated to tell an adult when they hear something or see something, it's three quarters of the battles," she said.

The challenge is teens who might be hesitant to "rat out" a friend, she said. "They have to be educated to tell an adult when they hear something or say something," she said.

In fact, parents often say they suspected nothing: In Riverhead, one heartbroken mom whose son died in March said she had no warning signs.

And, Bromley said, "I'm not totally against social media." Social media, she said, can sometimes help a teen who may be grappling with sexual identity issues or suicide ideation, to feel less isolated, through online communities.

Journaling and students' creative work at school is also another way to spot signs of distress, Bromley said. "Kids are leaving clues everywhere."

Teen suicide examined

Dr. Scott Poland, author of "Suicide in Schools," an internationally recognized expert on school crisis and pioneer in school suicide prevention, was the keynote speaker at a a teen suicide prevention, intervention and post-vention conference held in Riverhead in March.

Poland, who lost his own father to suicide, spoke to Patch about what can be done.

"The suicide of a young person is like throwing a rock into a pond, it has a ripple effect to the school, community, to neighborhoods," he said. "Now, because of social networks, the impact is greater than ever before. Vulnerable young people find each other online. It's not just suicide, live in that moment, but the impact is so much greater because of the interconnections between teenagers today."

Poland has also addressed contagion and suicide clusters. "Unfortunately, adolescents are more susceptible than any other age group to imitate suicidal behavior," he said.

While the first thought, after a suicide occurs, tends to be concern for the best friend, the real danger lies for young adults who may already be struggling.

Underlying mental illness

"Youth suicide is almost always the result of untreated or under-treated mental illness," Poland said. "The bottom line is parents of adolescents are slow to recognize the warning signs of depression and slow to get mental health treatment."

To determine whether a teen is just acting with "typical teen" moodiness or irritability or a deeper depression, Poland said three questions must be answered: Is the mood pervasive, affecting all aspects of a young person's home life, school and friend? Is it persistent, having lasted three weeks or more? Have they dropped out of what were previously pleasurable activities?

"Many of us believe that the black box warning on antidepressants for teenagers has coincided with a pretty dramatic increase in youth suicide," Poland said.

Teens need a careful diagnosis and consistent visits to the physician for monitoring, he said. Continuing mental health care, not just a session or two, is essential, he added.

Schools, parents, the mental health community and the medical community all need to get involved, he said.

"It takes a village," Poland said.

A focus on the medical community is critical; 65 percent of the time, a person who died by suicide has recently seen a doctor before ending his or her life, Poland said. To that end, every young person seeing a physician, even for a broken bone, should be required to fill out a questionnaire about depression, energy level, and other issues, he said.

Schools must continue outreach to teens even during the summer months, he added.

A safety plan, signed by kids in schools who are considering suicidal thoughts, can also save lives, Poland said.

Poland also stressed the importance of friends and said educating teens on what to do if a friend is suicidal is perhaps one of the most important steps that must be taken.

TV series sparks education efforts

To that end, many schools are doing webinars in response to the Netflix series "13 Reasons Why" which centers on a teen's suicide.

Poland said the show's "messages are wrong" in that contagion is a possible result, the "lines are blurred between life and death" because the main character, although dead, appears in subsequent episodes, and, he said, "It's also implied if you're a bullying victim you kill yourself. Thankfully, the vast majority of bullying victims do not attempt, nor do they die, by suicide." And, he said, the show does not depict teens seeking help from adults. "That's a very unfortunate message because learning to go to a trusted adult makes all the difference in the world."

And, Poland said, "Mental illness is never mentioned in a single episode. It's just as if treatment does not exist." One character, he said, mentions being kinder to one another. "I support kindness but if somebody is mentally ill, kindness alone is not going to be enough," Poland said.

Media representatives for "13 Reasons Why" did not respond to requests for comment.

Steps parents can take

With suicide on the rise, and the greatest numbers seen for middle school aged girls and middle aged men, there are steps to be taken, Poland said.

Parents, Poland said, need to take charge of technology. "It's a right, not a privilege," he said.

He believes no one under 16 "should watch '13 Reasons Why.'" Bromley, however, said, if teens are going to watch it should be in a group with an adult, as a teaching experience.

Poland added that parents need to talk to their kids about cyberbullying and teaching kids what to do if a friend is having suicidal thoughts.

Limiting access to social media is key, Poland said. "Literature says one third of middle school girls wake up in the middle of the night to see who might have posted what about them. Sleep deprivation is connected to hopelessness, depression and suicide," he said.

Community task force

And again, community efforts are critical, Poland said. He suggested suicide prevention task forces be organized in communities where they do not already exist.

Social media takes steps to help

On March 1, Facebook discussed steps it's taking to help help those in crisis in a post, "Building a Safer Community With New Suicide Prevention Tools."

According to that post, there is one death by suicide in the world every 40 seconds, and suicide is the second leading cause of death for 15 to 29 year olds.

"Facebook is in a unique position — through friendships on the site — to help connect a person in distress with people who can support them. It’s part of our ongoing effort to help build a safe community on and off Facebook," the post said, adding that Facebook is updating tools and resources in a number of ways including

-Integrated suicide prevention tools to help people in real time on Facebook Live

-Live chat support from crisis support organizations through Messenger

-Streamlined reporting for suicide, assisted by artificial intelligence

"Already on Facebook if someone posts something that makes you concerned about their well-being, you can reach out to them directly or report the post to us," the post said. "We have teams working around the world, 24/7, who review reports that come in and prioritize the most serious reports like suicide. We provide people who have expressed suicidal thoughts with a number of support options. For example, we prompt people to reach out to a friend and even offer pre-populated text to make it easier for people to start a conversation. We also suggest contacting a help line and offer other tips and resources for people to help themselves in that moment."

Suicide prevention tools have been available on Facebook for more than 10 years and were developed in collaboration with mental health organizations, the post said.

Where to call for help

If you or someone you know is considering suicide, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 24/7 a1-800-273-8255.

On the East End, a Survivors of Suicide support group is run by Alisa Norton; call 631-687-2960. It's free, confidential and helps loved ones obtain the support they need during their time of loss.

Patch courtesy photos.