Crime and Punishment?

How does one “punish” a nineteen year old?

I was faced with this dilemma recently, when said fruit of my loins appeared one night, after a jaunt to Walmart with a friend, with two (not one, but two) large slips of paper. Tears accompanied the paperwork, and I had the sneaking suspicion that my loving offspring was presenting me with a not-so-wonderful gift.

The “gift”, as fate would have it, appeared in the form of two (not one, but two!) traffic tickets. Clearly, Mom was not at all a happy camper, and made that fact quite apparent, as a full-frontal attack was launched. The words, “I told you so” slipped off my tongue, along with a whole lotta “you better hope that you don’t lose your license”’s.

Now, suffice it to say that I have reminded said offspring, on a multitude of occasions, that her cellphone had best never be in her hand, while behind the wheel of an automobile. There have been a slew of occasions where that cellphone surfaced at red lights, and I was forced to yank the phone from her grasp in order to clearly illustrate my point. I suppose the illustration fell upon deaf ears, for one of those tickets was all about “illegal use of electronic device while operating a MV”.

The other truly offensive violation was the “failure to use a seatbelt”. This has been something that has been drummed into her head on multiple occasions, since the age of five. My admonishment that “We aren’t leaving this driveway until everyone puts on a seatbelt” must have fallen upon deaf ears…although, I can honestly say that every time she got behind the wheel of that vehicle, I witnessed her buckling up before even putting the car into reverse. I’m floored, because on both occasions, she should clearly have known better.

Which brings me to my topic – how does one “punish” a nineteen year old?

She is legally an adult, so grounding her is not going to work. She isn’t twelve…she’s a grown-up, who acted with some very not-so-grown-up behaviors. I spoke with her, at great length, about the rules that had to be adhered to, now that she had committed some serious offenses. I explained the importance of following the rules of the road, as well, and happened to mention, quite a few times, my disappointment in her behavior.

Yes, I took away her keys, and I’m not quite certain when she will be getting them back. At this moment in time, I’d like to say never. However, reality dictates that she will soon be employed, and she will be required to stay late. My days of driving her home after 11 pm are pretty much over…I’m hopeful to be a-snooze at that time of the evening. I even ventured as far as to take away her cell phone, although she has found a loophole…she has in her possession an iPad, which has the capability to text. I have always maintained that she is of quite superior intelligence – it seems, however, to have failed her last evening.

In all reality, she is going to need her phone back, in order to keep in touch with us, should she venture out for the night. I’ve mentioned this to her father, who is of the mindset that she will forever be six years old. His words were, “I’m not letting her off that easily.” It’s his feeling that she should never be allowed to have the phone again. Or, at least for as long as he deems appropriate.

While I see where he is going with this, I cannot help but feel that, on some level, his punishment is mildly misguided. I’ve always been a firm believer in the phrase, “Let the punishment fit the crime”. In this case, my daughter clearly disobeyed the law, on two counts. The cell phone was taken away for several days, and the car will be withheld indefinitely, or until she can responsibly get behind the wheel of a vehicle without putting herself, her passengers, and other drivers at risk. I’m only hoping that this turn of events will enable her to finally put that phone down, pay attention to the road, and become a defensive driver.

I have to be fair, she is not the only one who is guilty of this infraction. I’ve seen many adults, past the age of young adulthood, in full conversation with the phone to their ears, and I wonder where the police are, at that moment in time. Most of the time, because their attention is sorely distracted, they are not paying attention to anyone else on the road, and I have been in more than one near-misses, at the hands of cell phone users. I have seen people texting at red lights, and I want to beep at them and yell, “It’s still illegal!” As much as I might wish to, I must mind my own business. However, when the business concerns my own child, I am, unfortunately, involved. And clearly, my daughter was in the wrong, in a really big way.

There would be those who are of the mindset that perhaps, she should have the cell phone taken away for good – when she has the means, she can purchase her own phone, and her own phone plan, and pay for it monthly on her own. I get that – I even threatened that, after I removed the phone from her possession. But I don’t want to hold out empty threats – those can be viewed, a mile away, and the offender will be found, laughing at the foolishness of such a threat. However, I’m pretty sore about this one, and I cannot help but think that perhaps, this is the lesson she might require in order to learn the hard lesson.

Is taking away the phone for good the lesson that I want to instill in her? Do I want to inflict such a hard lesson, when this was her first offense? She's a good kid - doesn't get into trouble, is on the Dean's List, is a camp counselor for kids with autism - do I really want to be this hard? Will this punishment truly fit the crime? 

In the end, I’m hopeful that she will understand the importance of wearing a seatbelt, for her own safety. I’m truly wishful that she will learn that a cell phone never, EVER belongs in your hand while you are in a vehicle, unless that vehicle is stopped. I’m even hoping that she will learn the importance of pulling over, in case of emergency, if she needs to text. When the vehicle is stopped and in park, she is safe. If she is stopped at a red light, which is where she received the ticket, she is not. Although she maintains that she was only “looking at” her phone at the red light, she is still guilty of the crime. I ask again, as I question my own authority, “Is it appropriate to issue a correction to a nineteen year old?” I’m hoping that, in this case, the answer is a resounding yes.