The Function of Forms

As you may have noticed, the housing market in Harrison is still pretty sluggish and slow. The fact that a local councilman suggested we apply for federal help was a good idea. But, he blew it when he said it would help if we renamed ourselves "Shantytown."

However, for homeowners who hope to hang on, there are forms to fill out to keep costs low. Here are a few:

The STAR Application - A lot of people think that this means "star" in the traditional sense. So, they're writing in the name "Ray Lamontagne." And that's so wrong—he's really more of a cult figure. In any case, the STAR form is for people who own their own home and make less than $500,000 a year. Such folks may be partly exempt from school taxes. And, frankly, may also be mugged by their less prosperous neighbors.

Obviously, this $500,000 means the rules are not terribly stringent. So you should qualify. One thing—just don't bring in your application wearing a top hat and tails. That just might queer the whole deal.

If you are a senior and you and your spouse make less than $79,050 combined you may be entitled to an "enhanced" exemption. Meaning you'll pay almost no school taxes. Will this affect the education of local students? Possibly. I just got a note from one student who tells me he "wuvs" his "kat."

And he's in 9th grade.

Not too encouraging.

The STAR Renewal Application—This is the form you use when you re-apply for the STAR exemption. This time, students come to your house and sing under your window, hoping you'll at least make some sort of financial contribution to their school.

You might want to consider this.

Next time they come back? They'll be armed.

The Alternative Veterans Exemption—This exemption is for anyone who fought in WWII, Korea, Vietnam or Iraq—otherwise known as 'The Hundred Years War".

When you fill out this form, you will be asked things like what branch of service you were in and what war. Don't try and get one of these exemptions if you weren't in the service. How can Harrison tell? If you mention you were in 'Nam' that sounds legit. Call yourself a 'doughboy'? That may raise a few red flags.

Senior Citizen Application—Here's a way for the elderly to get a tax exemption, but this whole thing is a bit of a trap. When the mailman delivers the form he may drop it at your feet. If you can bend over and pick it up in under an hour, you may be disqualified.

There may  be trick music questions, too. Watch out for the one about Glenn Miller. If you can hum "Moonlight Serenade" you're covered. Also, it works if you write "Never heard of the guy." Just have your doctor write on the form, "Dementia Patient" and watch those exemptions and credits just roll in.