Sleep Now In The Fire

“And my hand is in the fire.”

Quickly a log falls to the bottom of the pit and the embers escape into the nighttime air. I snatch my hand away since grabbing onto flames is not an ideal move. Before the whole thing extinguishes itself due to a swift lack of oxygen my Girl Scout reflexes jump in as I pyramid the scraps into the center of the pit. It is then that I can sit back and watch the orange and yellow panels of fire dance in and out of the home I have just created for it.

I sit back in the green outdoor chair that I bought on sale when I was having a bad day and I just wanted to sit in the sunshine. My fiancé sits in the opposite one while our dog Annie wanders the yard.

I pick up the pink spiral bound five subject notebook and flip it open.

“English 402 will be the first to go!”

I rip apart the syllabus that lie atop the notes and lay it onto the flames. The underside bubbles as big brown patches form in spots before the whole thing curls under the vibrant heat.

We were celebrating, you see. The graduation had come and gone and still inside of the apartment were piles and piles of papers. Countless research and notes that I took and documented accumulated over four years since God forbid I throw anything away to de clutter.

But now I was untouchable. The degree was mine, this knowledge is stored forever, and I could set myself free. I start ripping apart the notes and crinkling it into balls. The fire receives my donations greedily as it grows bigger and hotter.

I love building fires. I wait for fire weather all year. I also love celebrating milestones in a dramatic way. Was I truly ready for this chapter to conclude? College for me was like that novel that was so difficult to get through, but once I closed the cover, I missed the journey.

The irony is that my thesis topic was to dissect William Faulkner’s The Sound and the Fury historically…and well that alone serves as a metaphor for my college experience. And it is an entirely different train of thought.

Bringing back to focus the fire burned brighter. Almost as if every piece of paper I fed it made it stronger. I felt stronger. College definitely made me more secure in a lot of ways, and I am definitely ready for it to be over. The fact that I can even sit under the stars in front of a fire made me so happy.

Reflecting on the realization that I am really done was something that had not really sunk in until this moment. I obviously have dreams, and I am determined to make them happen. For now I am watching the chapter close and dance into smoke signals to communicate to my future.

The most challenging part of this transition for me is taking it slow. I am an instant gratification kind of person. Everything has to be lined up and filed through accordingly. But I am experiencing my first real grace period, and it is difficult. For this night though, I am throwing doodle filled fragments of my past into a nighttime fire.

The conversation quickly moves to our dog who got her runner tangled around our table and we have had enough for tonight. We have the rest of the summer to get through my remaining piles. We let the flames burn out of a successful peaceful night and get ready to sleep into the next morning.

For the first time in my young adult life I am being forced to live within the moment, and I may be getting used to this.