Glitches, Updates and

The message yesterday was insistent, and  I had postponed listening to it for too long.  So I decided to indulge in a second cup of coffee and install the required IOS updates.

Over luncheon a few days earlier, my friend and I discussed how we had changed in the years after both our husbands moved ahead to another place without us.  We agreed we were different people, not the same as we were before the marriage, but distinctly altered.

Recalling that conversation as the narrow line on my IPad seemed to be unhurriedly moving on, I wondered how I could describe the person I have become in the past 8 years.

Watching the screen change ever so slowly, I began to focus on the updates I have recently had in my life.  I have to admit, I am probably far more pragmatic having fewer expectations and distinctly, not nicer.

Perhaps I had been far too naïve before, but sadly, I no longer believe that love conquers all.  The reality of life has erased that idealistic conclusion forever.

What I have learned and now firmly believe in, however, is the kindness of strangers to all in need.  At one of the low ebbs in my life during my love's long illness, I was fearful of being alone.  A wise friend counseled, "No one is ever alone."  And how right she was.  With family far flung across the country, young EMS workers arrived without delay as soon as their alarm went off.  Unknown pilgrims who crossed our paths in hospitals, rehab centers and doctor's offices became our surrogate family.

Although I have always prided myself on independence, I was not always totally cognizant that the strong support of a lifelong partner fosters that misconception.

Now I look back and smile at my innocence.  I have heard that change is good for the soul.  While I am not quite certain that is correct, I have learned that acceptance of reality is.

I also believe my friend and I both have learned that we are not always given notice when life mandates updates.  Unlike the ICloud message, ours sometimes come without warning, and without a choice of timing.

Shortly after I reluctantly install revisions on my devices, I realize within a brief period of time how valuable they are.  Similarly, it has taken me a long time to be aware of how desperately I needed my own personal revision in order to move forward in life.

There are moments when I look back and wish I had the ability to still be as optimistic about the power of love, but that is a quality I can no longer afford.  I comprehend a bit more the incredible demands of everyday life that makes us less available emotionally.  I understand the naivete' that made my younger version fantasize life would ever remain the same.  And yet I will be eternally grateful for that blessed period of emotional innocence.

As I finish my cup of coffee and watch the slim line on the computer come to a halt, I become aware my own personal update has also been a healthy one, allowing me a more honest and valid interpretation of the world I live in today.  And while sometimes the IOS updates have a few glitches, so does life, but most of the time it runs quite smoothly.  And that is quite lovely.