Not Only

It’s been a long time now, but I remember it well.

Not so much with sadness, but with a deeper sorrow for the choices I made at the time.

I listened to my common sense, my awareness of the “right thing,” and tucked the emotions away until he was safely on the other side of my reality.

I didn’t weep in his presence, now I wish I had. I wish I had let him see the depth of my despair at the prospect of losing my life’s partner.

I wish I had allowed him to view my weakness rather than maintaining the false disguise of strength.

I wish I had not hidden the fears, not of widowhood, but life without his integrity, his presence, his love.

I wish I had not pretended I would be, not fine, but okay, and told the terrible truth. I would be crippled forever once he left.

I pretended I was strong, and oh, that was so untrue. Because he knew me so very well, perhaps he knew it too.

And perhaps he, too, was only pretending except when he said:

“I wouldn’t mind going if I could bring you with me.”

And maybe then he was saying he knew my heart was broken.

Oh, indeed it has been a long time, a very long time to be accurate, but I remember it well, as I do him and not only today.