Artificially Yours

A few years back I decided to use LED candles instead of real ones around my house, less fire hazard risk.  Honestly, you can buy them scented and they look just like the real thing, plus they quell my childhood urge to stick my fingers in hot wax. Who knew years later women would actually pay good money for those paraffin dips, all I ever got was yelled at by my Mother when I should have been encouraged to what could have been a lucrative beauty treatment career. It was, however, with some disappointment that I noticed dining out the other night that the atmosphere at my table was being provided as artificially as my home’s candlelight.   The flickering candle illuminating my veggie burger was also battery operated. As I pondered this in my Spanx, which artificially holds in my dinner, my glutes, and I must say uncomfortably, my bladder, I realized how standard artificial things have become.

For example before you have had a chance to toss the last Halloween Kit-Kat wrapper, or make a left over turkey sandwich, you need look no further than a trip to any retailer where Christmas time is being artificially created. To avoid being overwhelmed by this visit the women’s department where you can find bathing suits displayed for Spring Break. If you prefer to avoid shopping all together, just drive down the streets around town. This week out driving I saw snowflake lights decorating lamp posts as I was still pushing the gas resolutely in my open-toe wedges (artificially making me 5’3”) enticing me into a Winter season that hasn’t actually arrived in the 60 degree weather.

Artificial is not necessarily a bad thing. I did point out my 3” wedges and Spanx right? Artificial is just an ever more present thing. Growing up, cutting down the family Christmas tree was always a tradition the week before Christmas. I loved the smell of pine that filled my childhood home. Little did I know then pine needles would become my enemy.  Two years ago, my pine needle/vacuum battle victory was sealed, I bought a pre-lit artificial tree. Since purchasing the artificial tree I haven’t looked back.  As for that pine scent, you can buy that too in a bottle or little green sticks that hang discreetly from the tree itself. 

Last Thanksgiving I attempted to make real cranberry sauce and was rebuffed by my children who much prefer the kind that comes out looking exactly like the can served with a loud sucking noise as it jiggles standing upright into a bowl. I’m guessing real stuffing would be a no-go as well since we were all raised on Stove Top.  Each day I add two packets of Sweet-N-Low into my Keurig made coffee, without being quite certain what Sweet-N-low actually is but liking it all the same.  

It’s not just the Holidays and food that showcase the artificial. When I see students who fallen outside during PE class, it is not grass stains across from their knees I clean but turf burns from the green neatly manicured artificial field. My childhood dream of a “Brady Bunch” lawn come to reality.  Really, from social media to my hair color artificial is our reality. As the quote goes “we live in a world today where lemonade is made with artificial flavor and furniture polish is made with real lemons.” Real or artificial lemonade is pretty darn good. But there’s no need to worry about that now, wait until March when summer advertising begins.