B4B NYC: The 5 Best Bang-for-Your-Buck Adventures in New York City This Weekend

NEW YORK, NY — Well, it’s officially arrived: the very WORST part of the summer — the end of July into August — when the heat index is fully maxed out and all your snooty friends are in the Hamptons.

Which also means it’s quiet back in the city — so quiet, in fact, that all the hipsters are peeking out of their Bushwick lofts, sniffing the air and realizing it’s finally safe to emerge from their burrows, like gangly, mustachioed prairie dogs.

In other words, it’s the perfect time for you to take the Jitney into town for some cultural enrichment way more nutritious than that slice of cucumber at the bottom of your Pimm's Cup. Bring sunblock, comfortable shoes and whatever dough you’ve got in your gen-neutral tote, 'cause for Patch's second-ever installment of Bang for Your Buck New York City — B4B NYC — we've got suggestions for every price range.

But first, a…

LAST-MINUTE-LARRY ALERT !

HEART, JOAN JETT, CHEAP TRICK LIVE IN CONCERT

Where: Nikon at Jones Beach Theater, Long Island [map]

When: TONIGHT, Thursday, 7/28, 7 p.m.

What: Unite, Gen-Xers, for this LAST-MINUTE LARRY ALERT — some tickets are still available! Adjust your lumbar braces and check those blood-sugar levels, then bundle the whippersnappers onto the LIRR, ‘cause it’s time to show them what real rock ‘n’ roll sounds like! The amphitheater at Jones Beach will be rollicking to the shrieks of some major '80s all-stars tonight in a ridiculous triple bill. Heart is the headliner, but honestly, it’s hard to choose a fave. See if these geezers can still hit their high notes! See if you remember all the words! See what these modern, hardcore strains of marijuana are all about! More info and tickets here.

How much: Tickets range in price from around $30 to several hundred bucks.

Now that that's out of the way, on with our weekend...

THE BELLS: A CELEBRATION OF LOU REED

Photo by Kevin Yatarola

Where: Lincoln Center, West Side, Manhattan [map]

When: Saturday, 7/30, 10:15 a.m. to midnight

What: The three weeks from late July through mid-August bring the fantastic Lincoln Center Out of Doors festival, a celebration of music, dance and spoken word in the public spaces of Lincoln Center (mostly outdoors). There are concerts, readings and performances from Wednesday through Sunday, all free of charge. Highlighting this weekend is The Bells, a day-long celebration of Lou Reed’s life and work. Guest singers will perform Reed's rock-and-roll classics throughout the day in the Damrosch Park Bandshell, while folks like Laurie Anderson and David Johansen will stop by in the evening hours to sing the maestro’s love songs. Show up early for some tai chi instruction from Lou’s own instructor, and stay late for a screening of the Julian Schnabel film Berlin, about his legendary 2006 performances at St. Anne’s Warehouse. More info here.

How much: FREE!

WHISKEY WARS FACTORY TOUR

Where: Kings County Distillery at the Brooklyn Navy Yard [map]

When: Saturday, 7/30, 4:30 p.m.

What: Venture out to the refurbished Brooklyn Navy Yard Saturday afternoon and check out Kings County Distillery, named Distillery of the Year for 2016. You get a 90-minute tour of the factory in the historic Paymaster Building at the entrance to the Navy Yard complex, as well as tastings of some of the fine products there, including several bourbons, a chocolate whiskey and a moonshine or two. Tours begin and end at the underappreciated Building 92 Museum, dedicated to the history of the Brooklyn Navy Yard — complete with a ginormous ship’s anchor and cannon. Must be 21 years to enter. More info and tickets here.

How much: $15 per person

DARK DISCO ON THE ROOF

Where: Output, Greenpoint, Brooklyn [map]

When: Saturday, 7/30, 2 p.m. to 10 p.m.

What: Nothing says summer like a little outdoor day-drinking to the clubby sounds of great DJs — and Output has a smokin’ lineup of spinners this Saturday on the roof. Amtrac, Michna and NSR will trade sets all afternoon and well into the evening, wrapping things up just in time for you to rush home, take a disco nap, eat breakfast for dinner and get back out there for late-night. More info and tickets here.

How much: $20 per person

DIANE ARBUS, IN THE BEGINNING

"Lady on a Bus, N.Y.C." Diane Arbus, 1957. Photo: The Estate of Diane Arbus

Where: Met Breuer, Upper East Side, Manhattan [map]

When: Friday, 7/30, and Saturday, 7/31, 10 a.m. to 9 p.m.; Sunday, 8/1, 10 a.m. to 5:30 p.m.

What: You don’t have to suffer from night terrors to appreciate society’s freakish underbelly as documented by legendary photographer Diane Arbus (although it helps). And now, the Met reveals a stunning collection of about 100 images from early in Arbus’s career, before her 1965 breakthrough — many of which have never been displayed before. Small-format, lovingly composed portraits of circus performers, gender-swapping singers, eccentric city dwellers and of course lots of unusual children demonstrate that Arbus’s affinity for the outcast and the underdog was formed long before anyone knew who she was. A bonus: You can check out the Met’s renovation of the old Whitney space, which just opened this spring. More info here.

How Much: $25 suggested donation for adults

THE FIVE-BORO PIZZA CHALLENGE

Where: Starts under the arch in Washington Square Park [map]

When: Saturday, 7/30, 11 a.m.

What: For those with a budget at the top end of the spectrum, the boroughs are jam-packed with cool events this weekend: You could attend a six-course Caribbean tasting menu in Bushwick ($37.50 and up) or dive into the cesspool with Andrew "Dice" Clay Saturday night at the Coney Island Ampitheater ($33 and up). But of all these (and many other) options, here’s a crazy-slash-fun one: The inaugural Five-Boro Pizza Challenge, which takes you on a slice-eating tour of the entire city, then back to the Village for an afterparty with a bunch of peeps you just met! Gather under the arch in Washington Square Park at 11 a.m. Saturday morning to get your map of the five pizzerias, make your own way to each (using only public transportation) and document your slices on Instagram. Twenty-five bucks buys you entrance into the event plus a T-shirt (while supplies last). And it’s all for a good cause: The event is a fundraiser for the public-safety nonprofit Transportation Alternatives. More info and tickets here.

How much: $25 per person (plus the cost of transport and pizza, obviously)

And last but not least, a...

HEADS-UP ALERT!

UPRIGHT CITIZENS BRIGADE’S ASSSSCAT 3000

Where: The UCB Theater, Chelsea [map]

When: Sundays at 7:30 p.m. and 9:30 p.m.

What: This could be the summer you check a few crucial items off your cultural bucket list — but sometimes these things take a little planning. In these cases, our B4B series — more of a last-minute weekend guide – isn’t much help. So for fans of impov comedy who’ve never seen Upright Citizens Brigade, here’s a HEADS-UP ALERT: Hie thee here to purchase $10 tickets for the UCB's long-running Sunday-evening show Asssscat 3000, two weeks in advance. Or, if you’re a seat-of-the-pants kinda girl, there’s another option: Just show up any time before 8:15 p.m. on the night of the performance and stand in line to get FREE tickets to the 9:30 p.m. show, which doesn’t accept reservations. You never know what famous comedian you might see (either onstage or in the audience)!

How much: $10 a person, two weeks in advance (or FREE if you're willing to stand in line the day of the show)

Submit your event to arts@patch.com to be considered for the B4B NYC weekly roundup.