Can a Marriage Survive an Affair? (A Three-Part Series) The Final Installment

Part III

Life After an Affair: Strategies for Saving a Marriage

There are probably few things in life that pack a punch as devastating as the shock of finding out that your spouse has been cheating on you. Who, what, where, when, and how are the burning questions the scorned ask and ask and then ask again… seemingly without end.

The bright side of this dark night of the soul scenario is that many couples are able to not just get past the infidelity, but they’re able to learn and grow from it and in the end, their relationship is closer and better than ever before. Others are not so lucky and the affair causes a rift too wide to cross, and a hole in the heart to deep to fill.

In my practice as a relationship coach, the following three factors are crucial in determining which marriages can be saved and which ones go down faster than the Titanic: 1) The quality of the relationship prior to the infidelity. 2) The willingness of both partners to work on healing the relationship. 3) Their heartfelt desire to give their relationship a second chance by recommitting to it.

Two ways of reacting to an affair that are sure to destroy a marriage are: 1) sweeping things under the carpet and 2) pouring salt on old wounds over and over.
There is no one size fits all fix for a marriage nuked by infidelity. The fallout and the friction from an affair can go on forever, if the situation is not handled well from the get-go. Many factors have to be taken into consideration before coming up with a working strategy for any one particular couple. Many questions have to be asked openly and answered honestly. What was the nature of the affair? How long was it going on? Was this a onetime affair or is this person a serial cheater? What was the level of lies and deceptions that took place to cover up the affair in the first place? What are the personality traits of the spouses? Are there addictions involved? Are both spouses willing to work things out? Are they willing to do couples therapy? Is individual therapy necessary as well? Is the affair really over? Does the cheating partner really intend to be faithful in the future? Is the cheating partner sincerely sorry for the affair, or just sorry about getting caught? All these considerations and many others, depending upon the couples and circumstances involved, have to be addressed.

Once these factors have weighed in, strategies for healing the relationship or ending it without drama and trauma must be quickly put into place; otherwise, the aftermath and backlash of the affair can give rise to the perfect storm, where no one within a hundred mile radius can or will escape the damages.

After all is said and done, the way in which a couple communicates is probably the most crucial component of all. Keep in mind, if there comes a point in which the slighted spouse crosses the line with over-the-top demands, rage issues, continual accusations, and borderline obsessively insane behavior, ultimately these behaviors will damage the relationship even more than the actual inciting incident -- the affair. As hurt and angry as the slighted spouse may feel; these feelings still do not give that person a license to be abusive.

Remember that a marriage can be healed only if both partners are 100% on board; otherwise, you’re merely putting a band-aid on a carcinoma. Once a couple has determined that they are willing to work on their marriage, then they can try putting the following five steps into play.

Step One

Refrain from airing your dirty laundry with everyone under the sun -- to do so will only make cleaning up the mess that much harder, since everyone has an opinion, but not necessarily an intelligent one. And, please, keep the children out of it!

Step Two

Talk honestly and openly about the affair. Identify some underlying issues that may have contributed to the affair.

Step Three

If talking to each other and with a few trusted friends and family members isn’t enough, then get some couples counseling. During those sessions, it can be determined which partner or partners could use some additional individual therapy as well.

Step Four

Schedule an affair with each other -- doing fun things, romantic things, and by all means, begin to reconnect in the bedroom.

Step Five

Come to a place of forgiveness. Let the past be the past. Forgiveness means forgiving the person, but not the actions. Once the relationship is back on track, the affair has to be put to rest. The couple must recommit to their marriage, and to starting over on this new solid ground that the two of them have been working so hard to pave.

Cindi Sansone-Braff is a relationship coach, known as The Romance Whisperer, and the author of the spiritual, self-help book Grant Me a Higher Love: How to Go from the Relationship from Hell to One that’s Heaven Sent by Scaling The Ladder of Love. Visit her web site at: www.grantmeahigherlove.com. She gives free psychic and relationship advice on Thursday evenings, 7pm EST on www.blogtalkradio.com/higher-love. The call-in number is: 646-929-0958.