Love Stinks!

For those of us who are not in love, Valentine's Day can be a bit difficult. People who have survived a break-up, which often feels like the equivalent of a mid-air collision, really don't want to be reminded of it with endless TV commercials. What's next? Jane Seymour suggesting you give your sweetie a pendant to commemorate the crash of the Hindenburg?

So, to all of you who are loveless, here are some things you can do today to feel better. Starting with watching a sitcom. Or, as it's listed in the TV Guide, "Divorce Court."

To Eat Or Not To Eat

If you're single, you're always a little confused about the eating thing. Sure, there's no one next to you that you need to look good for. But if you keep eating, soon there won't be room for anyone next to you. The compromise? Everybody is allowed to plump up a particular part of their body. That's right, you're allowed to create Saddlebags or Back Fat, which, coincidentally, is the title of my memoirs. Hey, why do you think I've been single for so long?

Unromantic Movies

It's always good to watch films on this day where there is no romance, nothing that speaks of the timeless chemistry between men and women. So, war films are good. So are gang flicks. And, clearly, any movie where Cameron Diaz co-stars with Tom Cruise.

Also, watch "Kramer Vs. Kramer" and then, "16 Candles." Pay close attention to that awful transition made by Justin Long. Here is vivid evidence that divorce is hell on kids.

Looking at Old Pictures

Pre-technology, this was a dangerous bit of business. You looked at old photos of girlfriends or boyfriends and they looked so good, you fell into despair. Now? You can put the pictures on your computer and enhance them, like people do with Photoshop. Or John Walsh does on "America's Most Wanted." Add 50 pounds, sunglasses, beard stubble. Then ask yourself, guys, 'Boy, that Mary Jones. What was I thinking?'

If she already has beard stubble in the un-retouched photos, you'll need to take a long hard look at your past.

Send Anti-Valentines

If you want to show your punkish side, really scare people and send out some Hallmark cards. Are these scary all by themselves? No, but you can include this threat with them: "This will be followed by a Hallmark Movie!" Then, listen for the screams!

Diabolical Dialing

Sometimes it's fun on Valentine's Day to make prank calls to your exes. Still, people occasionally feel the need to have a few drinks before doing this, which often makes them break down, identify themselves and blurt out, 'I still love you!" This is often how the relationship started, so you don't want to come full circle. So either dial when sober, or if you're drunk, have a fallback line. Yes, I still like, "Do you have Prince Albert in a can?"

Get a Dog

A dog is a great comfort on Valentine's Day. They really can't break your heart. I mean, a little accident on a Bokhara rug is a drag, but nothing to take personally. Dogs don't care if you cry or get drunk or phone your ex. And the best thing about them is if the call goes astray and the cops break in you can always point to the dog and say those age-old words: "He did it!"