A Dog-English Dictionary

I know there are a lot of you out there who have trouble understanding your dog, especially when it comes to the behavior he displays and the gestures he makes. That use to be the case with Happy, my golden retriever, and me. For instance, when he use to raise one paw with first and fourth nails raised higher than the rest, I would take him outside—quickly. Now, I know it means he wants me to put on some Metallica. 

Hap has a bunch of things like that — the head-cock, the bark, standing-up, etc.—that took me years to interpret correctly. Even figuring out what he's doing when he splays down on his side and spins while emitting a high-pitched sound took six months. What does this mean? It means that Happy is still allowed to watch "The Three Stooges." Just not the ones featuring Curly.

Are you still confused by the odd things your dog does? Maybe explaining my retriever's behavior will help you really "get" your own dog.

Jumping Up: There are times when Happy (and perhaps your pup) comes over to me, jumps up and insists that I take his paws. I use to think this meant he was one of those dogs who was justborn to dance. And seeing Hap's smile when I put on "Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy" just confirmed my suspicions.

Lately though, I realized that when a dog does this, he's trying to get a closer look and make sure you're not a dangerous person. This sense of worry and insecurity makes me appreciate my dog even more now. And the fact that I don't have to dress up like one of the Andrew Sisters anymore makes him appreciate me even better, too.

Chasing His Tail: I've had so many different takes on why my dog chases his tail and never catches it. Sometimes, I think he's mocking the fruitless pursuit that is my life — that this is simply him making a metaphor. But I tested this out once, and Happy doesn't know the difference between a metaphor and a simile...only the difference between a metaphor and a Snausage. However, I've lately been told that the tail-chasing is one manifestation of a dog's OCD. The fact that Hap's tail looks like a Beggin' Strip is just coincidence.

Now, a little tip: Don't try to define the term "manifestation" to your dog. Unless you have a day to kill.

The Howling: A couple of times a year, my dog will throw his head back and howl like a coyote, which is kind of amusing... until you see six coyotes gathered on your lawn like an animal version of the Crips and the Bloods.

Why does my dog (or yours) make this howling sound? Looking it up, I found that canines make this noise when they are lonely, when they don't like their surroundings or when another dog howls nearby. I have found no real solution to my dog's chilling, unholy squall. I am hoping, however, to add bass and drums to it. Don't laugh. This is exactly how Led Zeppelin started.

Shake!: Sometimes, my dog sits down in front of me and gives me his paws—first one, and then the other—again and again. This occurs until he's done this about 15 times in a row. I keep thinking this must be a sign of real love. Either that he was a Three Card Monty player in a past life.

Is there a third choice? Yes, apparently.

When your pup constantly shoves his mits at you, it's a "dominance" thing. He or she is saying, "Stay there, love me, do what I say!" So it's a funny thing, but not quite as affectionate as you might think. Still, leather-clad dogs in New York City charge their customers a fortune for this sort of "discipline." So if it's free? That's something, at least.

Stealing: In my house, lots of stuff is constantly disappearing. Weird, valueless things, like trolls, pens and CDs by Matchbox 20. I eventually find these objects in the bizarro places my dog has hidden them. Why does he do such nutty stuff? I had to look this up, too.

Apparently, dogs can't differentiate between paper money and old socks, which makes it clear that they are good souls...and also makes it clear why you shouldn't make them cashier if you ever open a store.

There's not much you can do about your dog's pilfering. Just don't start taking on the value system of your dog, if you can help it. Don't believe me? Just go to Dunkin' Donuts sometime and try paying with a couple of Milk Bones. I did this once, one confused day. It was bad enough having to wash all those dishes. But the way they laughed at me? I don't think I'll ever quite get over it.