American Idol vs. American Standard Toilets

It is the latest buzz: Nicki Minaj may very well be joining Mariah Carey on the American Idol judges table, this season upcoming. If this rumor proves itself true, it will mark the first time, in American Idol history, that the judges have less talent than the first round rejects.

It also proves one more thing to the oblivious American public: These singing competitions, and talent competitions, and reality competitions, and celebrity shows, like “Stars Earn Stripes,” are SOLELY for the benefit of the celebrity hosts/contestants.

Not very many of the “winners” of these shows ever stick around, aside from theUnderwoods and the Clarksons of the world; the rest slip back into horrible eating habits and appear on Celebrity Apprentice a half-decade later.

There seem to be two primary reasons for these shows:

1.) It is proving to be a very effective mass-hypnosis tool.

The common person doesn’t care about elections anymore; the common person doesn’t care about the economy, our sickening foreign policy, or the Freedom-busting laws that are passed while we party the night away.

- The NDAA was snuck through on New Years Eve while we were drunk.

- War with Iran appears to be more and more imminent, but the more pressing issue is that Roger Clemens has been acquitted of lying to Congress about the drugs he was[n't] using.

- Every month more legislation takes the agricultural future of our country out of the hands of farmers and into the hands of global, genetically modified killers like Monsanto…but Kim Kardashian is giving marriage a shot for a few days, so George Soros will have to wait.

- Or every network known to man covering Lebron James’ “DECISION” while Leon Panetta tells Congress that he and the President would “consider” consulting the Congress about deploying our military overseas; pretty much saying that the international community has more power to deploy our troops than our own Congress does.

But I digress…

2.) Steven Tyler, Mariah Carey, Paula Abdul, Jennifer Lopez, Christina Aguilera are only a few of the Judges who are still marketable, and still able to make labels and sponsors an extreme amount of money if they remain relevant, or become relevant again. Hence, the reason why they are frequently leaving, being replaced, and joining other shows.

Who the hell was talking about Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler anymore, before Idol last year? And when they joined what happened? – New album, a few new radio singles, a tour, and a chance to make headlines for Jennifer. Tyler left to dramatically return to Aerosmith, so what better tour promotion could you have possibly gotten there?

All the while, you have the people at home, who can barely remember the winners a few years down the road, but will NEVER forget the hosts. The contestants are all too ordinary now: Everyone has cancer (or did); everyone is homeless (or was); everyone has a child and doesn’t know how they’re surviving, and everyone is giving their dreams “one last shot.”

The script is dry and over-done, but it brings out sympathetic reactions in the hosts, making people at home more willing to support their careers outside of A.I., well after those heart-wrenching stories have been forgotten (since the contestants are eliminated the next week in Hollywood).

Now with Nicki Minaj we have a new scenario building: A talentless hypnotoad is going to be telling young men and women what they are doing right or wrong with their voices; a girl who can never seem to stay in key when she is not lip-syncing at the Grammys. In more than a decade, people have been sent home in the first two rounds who have been innately better than Minaj can/will ever be.

I’ll say it again: Nicki MInaj, who recorded the track “Stupid Hoe,” is going to be judging talent. Even if you’re a Nicki Minaj fan you need to say, “Hey, listen, Nicki does what she does, but this is a little out of her scope.”

My only hope is that girls and aspiring female singers start looking up to women like Lzzy Hale of Halestorm, or anyone else who can belt out a tune with extreme prejudice, in the middle of a blizzard, with an inner-ear infection, and still leave you breathless. There has got to be a break in the insanity coming somewhere, and, hopefully, a restoration of some sort of American Standard in mainstream music…until then, I’ll keep making fun of it.

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