'Exhausted' Nurse On Pandemic: 'It Was Like Nothing I Ever Saw'

SUFFOLK COUNTY, NY — When the dark days of the coronavirus pandemic have proven most grueling, nurse Michele Guelfi prays.

Guelfi, an acute nurse practitioner, has found herself turning to her faith to carry her though a pandemic that has relentlessly battered the front-line health care workers tasked with trying to help those battling COVID-19.

Speaking with Patch this week, Guelfi said, even as the numbers are dropping after a winter surge sparked by a highly transmissible omicron variant, there are still those battling the coronavirus who are critically ill and dying: "I have been praying hard lately that I won't lose anyone on my shift," she said.

Asked about the experience, still fighting the coronavirus in its third wave, Guelfi said simply: "Exhausting."

Guelfi, 55, has devoted a lifetime to her profession as an ER nurse, a nurse manager, a nurse educator. "I love nursing," she said. "I decided that a change from administration back to the beside would be a fun way to end my career. Little did I know I would graduate early due to a pandemic."

Guelfi — who declined to name the hospitals where she has worked over the past months — described the early days of the pandemic, when all was uncertain.

"It was like nothing I ever saw," Guelfi said. "We worked endlessly, with fear of bringing it home, unvaccinated, yet united. I hid away during that time. I missed my family, but I knew the cause was worth it," she said.

Born with civic duty in her blood, Guelfi said she comes from a long line of those dedicated to helping others, from the United States Army to the NYPD. "We serve — this was my time to serve," she said.

Still, after three waves, Guelfi is weary, as are her colleagues, she said. "It's exhausting," she said again.

The financial incentives for extra shifts is helpful. However, she said: "The staffing challenges, the staff we lost due to early retirements, the vaccine mandates, still make it exhausting. The majority of us now have had COVID and are back at it again."

Guelfi addressed the December decision by Gov. Kathy Hochul and the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention to shorten quarantines for health care workers in advance of dramatic the omicron surge.

She added: "The frustration of having to return early felt wrong — like, 'It's okay that you got sick but we know you are needed back so if you only have a little cough and no fever — come back.'"

Guelfi acknowledged that hospital administrators are trying to address the growing needs of a staff that is struggling after months of facing the COVID-19 crisis head-on — a fact for which she is grateful.

"The hospital systems are trying hard to provide counseling for staff, resilience training, and to show appreciation, so there is help —but I know many who would rather just deal with the PTSD on their own," she said. "Our wellness teams for our employees are trying hard to bring mental support but health care workers are known all too well to take care of everyone else but themselves. "

Many pursued travel nursing during the surge-and-flex plan that brought staff to hospitals where the need was greatest, Guelfi said. Many of those traveling decided to do so due to "the lure of bigger pay," she said. "And working alongside people making more than you has started to divide the staff. There are some shifts where not a familiar staff member can be found due to all the agency and travel staff coming in. This is a challenge."

While agency staff "are a godsend," there are times continual turnover and lack of familiarity spark issues, she said.

New nurses are forced to face previously unthinkable circumstances, Guelfi said.

"A normal orientation into nursing has been challenged due to the pandemic — the new younger nurses are working in conditions that have their eyes filled with tears at times," she said.

When asked how she has found the strength to soldier forward, Guelfi said it hasn't always been a smooth road.

"Seriously, some days I just want to run away to an island and forget all that is health care, but then I remember why," she said.

Her calling is deeply personal. "I do this for my dad, " she said. "He died at 45 from colon cancer. I was 18. I watched the nurses and admired them. I feel my job is to be an advocate for the patient, the family, and even the system. I feel I am some sort of bridge."

With years of experience in so many different roles, Guelfi said she feels her newest role is truly helping staff find peace in the middle of the pandemic.

"I am still working bedside with patients but I interact directly with the nurses," she said. "I want to be someone they can count on, knowing they will be the ones taking direct care of our sickest of sick. Patients are so much sicker now than when I first started — the care is complex and the staff needs support."

Even after so many years and stories, there are still days that tear at her heart, Guelfi said.

"The hardest part is still pronouncing death. Having to go into a room with family at the bedside and really be present is something I don't want to lose respect for," she said. "It's a sacred moment."

Guelfi said in her opinion, while there have been far fewer COVID-19 patients admitted to hospital during the third wave, it has appeared to her that many of "the ones that are there, are critically ill."

And so, charged with providing comfort and dignity even in the last moments of a patient's life, she prays.

Still, there are moments of levity, and of joy.

"One fulfilling moment was making some staff smile and laugh," she said. "I try to be silly, so I told them a story about a nurse calling me at 4 a.m., telling me she was concerned because her patient seemed confused. I asked her why would she assess a 90- year-old at 4 a.m. who had a sleep aid and expect her not to be confused? I then said her calling me had me confused — and I don't know my name either at 4 a.m. We all laughed," she said. "The patient was fine. She was a new nurse and thanked me for making her laugh, too."

Another moment held great meaning, Guelfi said. "I had a daughter and son of a patient who told me I was their angel. I helped them make the decision to put their mom on comfort care. I didn't feel like an angel — but I did know it was the right thing for the patient. She was ready."

Even as a veteran nurse, Guelfi said she has learned from the pandemic. "I alway knew life was not guaranteed from working in a trauma room — and I work and play as if it could be my last day any day. But this pandemic made it even more real," she said. "I faced my mortality head-on and knew that even if I got COVID-19 and died from it, I was truly doing my job the best I could."

By no means does Guelfi want to die. She has great plans and dreams yet to fulfill; she finished and published a book during the pandemic and kicked off a side business as a life coach.

"Time is moving on," she said.

In March, Guelfi will host a retreat at the beach for health care workers, to help them refresh and focus on creating a little space and peace, she said.

Guelfi said she wants to do whatever she can, to sing the praises of her fellow nurses and medical staff who go back, day after day, no matter how hard those days and nights might be.

"I want to encourage the team, to be a support for them," she said. "After years of being in health care and close to retirement I want the next generation to know that this is a truly rewarding career. But it is not about what hospital or system — it's about what we bring to the bedside."

Looking forward, Guelfi said: "The third wave is slowing down, and I don't know about a fourth or fifth, but I plan on helping our health care system in any way I can be of service — knowing full well that it is a calling that I will always be proud of."