Tired of power struggles?

By Carol Dores

We all have our power struggles with our children. The biggest ones in our house were over what order they did things in when they came home from school. We wanted homework done first, and one of them wanted to watch television first. Oh, the battles we had! Screaming, yelling, door slamming….

The struggles in your house may be over food, potty training, the clothes they want to wear, or the order things are done in. Whatever you struggle with, think about what happens when you are pushed hard. You push back. This is what is happening when we demand things from our children. They rebel, resent us, or retreat and just feel bad about themselves.

So how can we end the power struggles?

· Decide what you cannot let go of. Does it really matter whether they eat a piece of fruit before the sandwich, if they eat both? Can you let them play for an hour before doing homework, as long as the homework gets done?

· Offering your child a choice is empowering. Try saying, “You can watch t.v. or take a bath first, as long as both are done by bedtime. You choose.” The cooperation and calm are likely to increase.

· When things start to escalate, walk away to calm down. You can say, “Let’s wait to talk about this until we are both calm.” When both of you are truly calm, come back together to talk about what happened, and try to solve the problem.

· Let children live with the natural consequences of their decisions. If they choose to wear shorts on a freezing cold day, say nothing. If they are cold, they will make a different choice the next day. We often say things that feel like blame or shame, which is hurtful not helpful. The key here is to say nothing at all, and to give no looks or show any other kind of judgement.

These are just a few ways we can reduce the fighting and power struggles. When children feel better, they are able to do better. When we feel better, we do too.

Want to learn more about Positive Discipline? Check out the schedule of classes at www.positivedisciplinect.org/parenting-classes/. If there isn’t one that meets your needs, email info@positivedisciplinect.org, and we’ll do our best to meet your needs.

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