Free Advice with Richard: From Online, To In LIfe Dating

Issue of the Week:  

From Online to, In-Life Dating. How and When?

I started to communicate with someone I met via internet dating services. She has many qualities I would like in a woman, based on the profile she posted. She’s in her 40‘s and I’m early fifties. I’ve never been married, she was once and divorced years ago.

We’ve been emailing for a while, but she seems reluctant to make a date. We are both busy with our jobs and we don’t exactly live very close to each other, so it’s not terribly convenient to meet. We keep the email communication going and I’ve suggested an in-person meeting half-point between our locations, which in itself is a few hours for each of us. She kind of agrees in word but never really commits to the idea. 

I’m reluctant to bring it up again because I don’t want to sound pushy, after all we’ve only been writing to one another for a month or so. I can understand her reserve, as I have as well, but I’m willing to make the drive so we can be face to to face. (We have exchanged photos of ourselves). 

Should I give it some more time hoping that the relationship deepens some, so that she may feel more apt to take the chance of a first date?

Dear Reluctant,

Well this is a bit of a dilemma, but you can’t blame a lady for being a little cautious when it comes to a rendezvous with (let’s be realistic) a stranger. 

Internet dating is risky from the get-go, especially for women, even for over 40’s like yourselves,. 

You both may have been sharing experiences and some personal details, but the very nature of the internet dating system provides much mystery (desirable or not) about individuals on the dating track. You do get a chance to meet people you may never have via the ‘old fashion dating game’, but much of what you learn of an individual from their profile and email correspondence is fueled by your hopes, desires and perhaps fantasy. It’s difficult to know what your getting (or trying to get) until real live contact is made.

 Many of us, once past the forth decade of life among humans, have had enough mis-steps, bad judgment and have been fooled into the promise of “Camelot.” 

The lady may present resistance, and being respectful of that is in order and illustrates good character, but I would not wait for a loud and clear signal from your potential future mate to pursue that first date.

However, what I’m detecting here is considerable more resistance from you than you may realize. My sense tells me that you are telling yourself you must be courteous of this women’s hesitation to go live, when it’s you who are afraid to step up, and step out. Some self reflection may be useful here.

At your age, I’m sure you can relate to the times when it was clear that women were to be pursued by men, even when their signals said, “back up bud.” 

I believe that rule of social interaction still rests beneath the female psyche - it’s the pathology of hard wiring. The variety of mixed signals and self-protective measures employed by both sexes (though more so with women), via the internet dating game, are given license to reign free. Signals may be a lot less clear, but don’t be fooled or discouraged by the maze it creates.

Online communication tends to offer very little of one’s larger life. Some caution is advised; being aware of statements and information that doesn’t quite add up, is sensible and an intelligent path to follow. However, waiting for this electronic relationship to go deeper may prove to be a bad idea. The chances of you (both of you) developing emotional, or greater emotional attachment on preconceived assessments gleaned from profiles and emails, could find you building castles in the sand. 

Committing to an in-the-flesh date for each of you should be something you not only would like, but should insist on. It will help to affirm true interest in wanting more from each other.

Go forth; be gentle, but go forth.

Richard

Tip of the Week: 

When there is much hesitation to go forth for something we really want, self exploration is the best first step. Facing our fears may be the most difficult thing we humans experience, conquering them may seem even harder, but you are now actually, half way won. 

If you have a question, issue, or a suggestion for the “Tip of the Week,” email it to Richard at rzradvise@gmail.com or leave it in comment box at the bottom. Always confidential. Names do not appear in the column.

For information on Richard's approach to psychotherapy and counseling, click on: Richard Z. Ross, MA, CGP, LMHC, LP