For the Mothers With Cancer

The moment I found out I had breast cancer will forever be frozen in time.  

I was sitting at my kitchen table. My house was full with visiting family. My beautiful, blonde haired, blue eyed two-year-old was running around with his cousins gigglinig and screaming with delight. As the doctor said those words, “It’s cancer,” I caught a glimpse of my boy running by, and I allowed myself one brief moment to sit frozen in pieces.  Then, I took a breath and interviewed the doctor as if my life depended on it, because it did.  Not only did my life depend on it, but my child’s life depended on me being healthy and there for him as he grew up.  I had no choice but to live, and I had to do whatever it took to reach that goal. In about a minute, I had gone from a soft spoken, mild-mannered person to a tiger, unstoppable at getting the care I needed–immediately.

As a mother who has experienced cancer when my child was very young, I understand the issues and the struggles of being both a mother and a cancer patient. Cancer is difficult for anyone who has to face it, and each person’s experience is unique. Our challenges and fears as mothers are not greater, but they are different.  I remember that, on the day of my diagnosis, I couldn’t actually bring myself to be around my son. I know it’s not logical, but, for some reason, I felt like I had let him down.  The things we think and feel as mothers often defy logic.  

Some of us are fortunate enough to have doctors tell us we have a good prognosis, or no evidence of disease, and we still lay awake at night wondering if we’ll be there to see them graduate high school or get married.  Will we see our grandchildren? How will they possibly turn out OK without us?  Will they remember us, or will we fade with time? And, do we even want them to? Maybe it’s better if they don’t have a chance to remember or to miss us, so life won’t be so painful for them.  The fear burns through us.

Then, there are the practical challenges that go along with cancer and motherhood. At a time when we feel sick and vulnerable and just want, and need, to sleep and to feel better, mothers need to balance things like child care, transportation, medical appointments, school and day-to-day parenting in order to care for ourselves and to provide as much normalcy as we can for our kids. 

For many moms with cancer, this means continuing to go to work most days so they can provide for their families.  Some lucky moms have a great support system to lighten the load.  But, what about the single moms who do not have an abundance of family and friends around them? Their road is a bit more difficult.

I spoke with Lynette Vanderhorst who founded Single Mothers With Cancer after being diagnosed with Gestational Trophoblastic Disease at age 24.  The challenges she faced as a young, single mom of a six month old gave her an insiders view of the unique difficulties of mothers.  After her cancer diagnosis she was moved to reach out and help others. 

Because single moms often have the added burden of being the only source of physical, emotional and financial nourishment for their kids, Single Mothers With Cancer aims to support single mothers in any way they may need during their cancer treatment journey.  This includes helping with child care, medical expenses, education as well as patient navigation and day to day duties and expenses.

Since moving to the East End of Long Island, I have also become very active with phenomenal organization, The Coalition For Women's Cancers at Southampton Hospital. Through their wellness programs, including, but not limited to, acupuncture, meditation, swimming, massage, mind-body education, wellness support groups, healthy cooking classes, Urban Zen restorative yoga, and yoga for cancer survivors, I've been able to continue my self-care practice without added financial burden. I also have a local group of women I can turn to for support. Finding local support is essential. 

If you live within towns of Southampton, East Hampton and Shelter Island, and have been diagnosed with breast, ovarian, uterine or cervical cancer you can take advantage of this fantastic resource. Additionally, Lucia's Angels is a foundation committed to helping women and families who live in this region with late-stage women’s cancers and extends to the towns of Riverhead and Southold. These wonderful organizations are funded by community donations and events such as Ellen's Run, which will be held this year on Sunday, August 17, 2014.

The practice of self-nurturing has become integrated into my survivorship plan. Here are some coping strategies every mom can employ:

• Once a week, take some personal time for things like a yoga or meditation class. Check your local library for very affordable classes.

• Get a minimum of twenty minutes of exercise each morning. This might mean waking up half an hour earlier. My own mantra has become, “I can do anything for twenty minutes!”

• Have a date night once a month with your partner or with friends.  It’s mandatory that you go out and feel special with adults you like to be around.

As women, we often say yes to everyone but ourselves. Cancer can teach you to say no with compassion for yourself and for your future with your family. ”No, I can’t cook dinner tonight, I have an acupuncture appointment.” You can learn to say yes to things like an offer of help from a loved one, or things like your own self-care regimen that you might normally prioritize last. You learn that you can’t be Superwoman all the time. Sometimes you have to be Zenwoman!

I once read, “treat yourself as if you are your only child.”  After my own experience of having cancer and now, as a practitioner who works with women affected by cancer, I understand why this should be every mother’s mantra. We want our kids to grow up knowing how to love and respect themselves and experience all the wonderful things that life has to offer.  But, it’s through our own self-care that we teach our children to practice care for themselves.  It is through self-love, that our children learn to love themselves.  

As mothers we lead by example.  And, as mothers who have had to deal with cancer, we should be proud of ourselves and of each other this Mother’s Day and every day at the example of strength and courage we have set for our children.