Dating 101: New Year No Fear

Oh my! This title conjures up so many topics. I don’t know where to start. But, I have to begin with Happy New Year to everyone celebrating, maintaining, and finding love. 

First, love yourself and the love that you need or cherish will continue to flourish.  Now that we have settled in with my introductory pleasantries, let’s get into how and why do we perhaps fear love. Any time we attempt to change our system of believes or dive into unchartered territory, there is a feeling of uneasiness that one may feel.  Thus, the habits that we deem essential are fighting for dear life to not be extinguished. When we give into the feeling of impending emotional danger, our love uncertainties challenge our own "intamcy status quo" that we have worked so hard to maintain. 

Given our nature as wonderful human beings, we are highly opinionated and at times a tab bit headstrong. We won’t talk about myself. This is about you. LOL.  It is in our nature to challenge others. However, when you are alone with your thoughts, how often do you challenge yourself to see life or love beyond the preconceived notions of our limited scope of the infinite possibilities that await us? Where and how do we place the faith of love in ourselves?   

We all should reflect on these questions consistently in life. Even if there is a change that would allow us to find love and happiness, we are often strong in our resistance. Nevertheless, I admire this strength. Because if we inverted our perspective then that same strength that gave you the power to be apprehensive about change can now lead you to captivating your soul -mate and you being an formidable force in your world.

Of course, identifying the elephant in the room that unfortunately keeps one from love is essential. So, here are some categories that address one’s fear to love.

1. If I love, I am bound to be hurt.- I hope that emotional pain is never intentional, but we are imperfect individuals. Whether subconscious or conscious, love will sting at times. Look at it as growing pains. The phrase “love is worth fighting for” has stood the test of time for a reason.

    2. No one is good enough. - I call this the egotistical reason for not loving.  The first question that I usually ask is, “Are you good enough for you?"  I hope the answer to this question is yes. Of course we all have our list of preferred improvements. But, if one is so precious—just remember that a treasure should not only be admired but also discovered and appreciated for its value.

    3. Rejection- Refer to item #1 also. Emotions are often times intense, instable, and often short lived. I don’t desire for anyone to experience emotional highs and lows. However, if loving yourself is primary, there is some room to let go in the process of falling in and out of love. Love has no money back guarantee. Therefore, even if we had a lifetime warranty/commitment, some aspects of one’s relationship would still need to be repaired and examined over time.

    4. Does rational thinking yield rational love? - I admire an individual that rationally loves.  In the past, I attempted to put love in a logical box. Most people have a sensory check list- a series of items that looks, feels, smells, and even tastes the way they envision love. Certainly, we ought to have expectations. Given the work that I do with clients, I have come to the conclusion that we have to affirm the following:

a) Balance our boundaries with realistic expectations of each other.

b) Realize what the spending limit is for your “intimacy budget.” To put it frankly, how much of yourself are you willing to spend in the relationship? Note, I did not say compromise, because compromising will eventually leave one partner or spouse depleted. So, communication is the key in deciding how each party will respectfully replenish the “intimacy budget” needed to sustain one’s love languages.

    5. Persistence is an integral factor- In the words of Denis Waitley, “As long as we are persistence in our pursuit of our deepest destiny, we will continue to grow. We cannot choose the day or time when we will fully bloom. It happens in its own time.”

Happy New Year!

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