Dating 101: Relax, Relate, & Release

I am often asked what factors contribute to the success of a relationship, and my answer is always the same—“A relationship has communication where both parties are respected, heard, and affirmed. But, one must relax, relate, and release to get to the above mentioned characteristics.”

As I reflected on an experience to qualify this statement, I remember counseling John and Mary (both pseudonyms for the purpose of this blog) to marital bliss. However, this blog is about John—a loving and mild mannered client that I developed a rapport with through our consultations.

I assisted John in expressing his feelings of anxiety and emotional past hurts in the midst of their courtship. On this particular day, like the Tasmanian devil in the Warner Brothers cartoon, John came to see me in a state of panic. One month ago, John asked Mary to marry him. She accepted. But now, he was confused. The previous night, they had an argument about the magic word that all couples must reconcile with in their “till death do you part” vows—the family. I proceeded to calm John down. He, over the course of 10 minutes, took his frantic state down a notch, and we began our discussion. 

John proclaimed that everything was perfect until he told her the great news about his family. He stated:

“Why was she so frustrated?”

“Is this a sign before the wedding?”

“My family and you said that I should have told her.”

“It is great that they will be here next month.”

Because I knew Mary loved John’s family, I asked him calmly,  

“Why would your family be an issue?”

John imitated Mary’s response:

“ This is the first I have heard of this. We just saw them last week. They are moving and buying the house next door to us, John! Everyone knew it except for me!”

I responded:

“Before we begin this conversation, we are all entitled to our emotions. And, I do not prescribe that woman or men are more emotional than the other. “

(a) My response was valid, because I strongly believe in it. (b) It was strategic, because I knew our previous discussions consisted of predetermined communication styles based upon gender with John.

As an aside, I know couples that appreciate having an extended network of family close. I certainly see this as a value. But, I respect one’s right to evaluate the need to define their community and quantify one’s need for space. Yet, I knew this was not the sole premise of her argument.

I sat back in my chair, and quietly gave the following insight,

“You must first—relax.“

“External and internal factors in your lives will surface, because you are continuously defining yourselves as a couple and individuals.  She merely wanted to be included. Although you meant this surprise announcement in the spirit of love, take a moment to reflect about how this news might be received from her vantage point of view.”

He nodded and gave me the look of the young Padawan learning from Yoda.

John retorted,

“Well, she should have…"

I interrupted and replied with a smile, “I was not there, and this is your side of the story. I would have to hear her perspective.”

John retorted back, “Well…If you put it that way, maybe I did overreact.”

“Why can’t I think about these things in the heat of the moment?”

I simply replied based upon our love of Star Wars, “Use the force. It is strong within you.”

To sum up our conversation about John and Mary’s disagreement, she had no issue about his family moving to live in their neighborhood. She was disappointed, because she wanted to be a part of a major decision that affected them both.  We all deserve to relate to one another in a manner that takes into account another individual’s viewpoint.

John sighed, and I saw that he was now at the point of release. He let go of what could have been said, and he realized what was true for her and him. John paused and asked, “Where did your insight come from?”

I replied, “My advice was from the sitcom of A Different World where Jasmine Guy sought Debbie Allen’s guidance about her love life. There is a hilarious interchange of dialogue between the actresses that results in the advice of Relax, Relate, and Release.”

While laughing, John asked, “All this came from a late 1980s sitcom?”

“I thought our discussion was based on a psychological theory or a case study.”

I replied, “Not in this session.“

“You just helped to prove a new case study.”

If you don’t believe me, check out the clip below.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qf-NN9r_ylE