Dating 101: Take Off the Mask

For this blog, my wonderful readers asked me a simple question. "What aspect did you have to change in order to be authentic in giving love?"

Rather than bore you with a long journey (heartbreak, loss of trust, finding love etc.) that we all share. Email or call me if you want the details to that story.  I will focus on the single paramount action that gave me the vision to start Designing Love, Inc.—taking off my mask.

The question put forth to me by my readers is an easy one for me to answer face to face, but the task at hand is even more difficult to express on paper. In the spirit of holiday giving, I am imparting a part of my journey to you. I am thankful for individuals entrusting me with their reflections on love. Hence, I am bound by my civic duty to “love” by my friends, clients, and most of all my heart to be true. It is imperative that I validate my voice and yours. However, I have an obligation to maintain my self-identity and love language(s) in order to develop my essence.  

So, what constituted my mask? Anger, hurt, fear, and insecurity were the vices that kept me from love and created the mask. As a result, I became anyone that society or my past relationships needed me to be at the moment. I continued to lose myself in the process. When I finally allowed myself to come up for air, I needed to swim in the experience of the good and the bad within me for a while before I could really know that there was a lifeline being tossed to keep me from drowning.

The lifeline that I speak of was letting in unconditional love for myself. I looked in the mirror one day and I saw an unfamiliar and in some ways out of control individual. Spiritually and emotionally, a change had to occur. My life was greater than any excuse that I could yield that gave me permission to hurt others based upon my actions. The result—I ultimately control my destiny.

The internal voice that now understands the valuable wisdom in love did not materialize quickly. I took the time to first find myself and then strategize what traits I needed to see within Neal before I could ask for them to be manifested in another. Only then would I have the slightest clue(s) about whom I needed in my life.

Consequently, the adventure could not begin until I made a choice to forgive and let go. Even though there still exists a thin line between independence and interdependence that I struggle with daily, I am continuously learning how to help others and myself unpeel the layers to be whole . The poet Paul Laurence Dunbar inspired my writing this week. An excerpt from the poem reads as follows:

We wear the mask that grins and lies, 
   

It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes,

This debt we pay to human guile; 
   

With torn and bleeding hearts we smile,

And mouth with myriad subtleties.

Why should the world be over-wise, 

In counting all our tears and sighs? 
   

Nay, let them only see us, while 
           

We wear the mask.

Revealing one’s true emotional and vulnerable self is never easy. Even if you are as “real” as they come, we all have something or perhaps someone in our life that we deem in need of a little makeover.

Although our previous relationship experiences play a key role in the attributes we seek in a partner, it does not holistically define the present and future purposes of our lives. By creating tangible goals and actualizing this statement, we are free to live, learn, and love over and over again.

Yes, I have hurt people in the past. No, I have not always been the reflection of moral purity that you see before you—just joking! Making the time to celebrate, maintain, and find love can be difficult.

For that very reason, I created Designing Love, Inc. to be your business partner in love as you see fit. The relationships that we build should be a bond that is strengthened upon reciprocal communications and actions. 

Perhaps this blog is a heavy read. What can I say? I respond to the questions put forth by my readers. I can’t ask for transparency if I do not walk in it.  

I leave you with the words of Fanny Brice, “Let the world know you as you are, not as you think you should be, because sooner or later, if you are posing, you will forget the pose, and then where are you?”

For more visit, www.designingloveinc.com