Moms Talk: Dealing with Divorce

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This week, our Moms Council answered this question:

I'm currently going through a divorce. My kids are eight and 12. My eight-year-old doesn't really want to acknowledge or talk about the situation, and my 12-year-old won't stop crying and throwing dramatic tantrums/screaming sessions. I understand that this is very difficult for both of them, it's difficult for all of us, but I'm not sure how to handle the two different reactions. 

If my eight-year-old seems fine, should I focus on the 12-year-old, who seems like she's on the brink of a mental breakdown? Should my husband and I each talk to them separately? I'm not sure if it's good to have my husband come around a lot or if he should give them some space right now since he's moved out, and they should get accustomed to him not being in the house all the time. 

If anyone else has gone through this, or had a close friend who has, I'd really appreciate any advice you can offer. Thank you.

Moms Council member Valerie Gotaskie said:

Man, that's a tough one...for all of you. I certainly don't have all of the answers, but I have to think that you don't want to exclude your husband from the process of making sure your kids get through your divorce as unscathed as possible. I realize he's moved out, but if you really want to make sure that your kids understand this is about mom and dad and NOT them, I think dad has to participate. Otherwise, your kids may either blame you for excluding their father or blame their father for staying away when they really need him. Maybe you'll need to meet him on neutral turf, but I think you can include him without confusing your kids about how much he'll actually be at home going forward.

Everyone processes things differently, of course, so it's not surprising that each child is having a different reaction. Your younger child may be even more upset than the older one, but doesn't express it so vociferously. Are there other adults (who can be relied upon to be neutral sounding boards) who can help you keep tabs on both your children's emotional states?

I hope all of you get through this.

Moms Council member Heidi McDonald said:

I've been through that, as a child, then again as an adult with both a divorce and two different reactions with two different children. I would say first of all, space is the better idea because it gives you needed time to build your new dynamic and new way of life as a family of three. And I'm sorry if this sounds cliché, but I would also strongly consider either individual counseling for both girls, or family counseling for the three of you together, or maybe both.

In our case, I chose counseling for the more volatile child, but then, the one in denial eventually did break down in a HUGE way that required individual AND intense family counseling for everyone. So if I had it to do over again, I'd have done counseling with both children individually with group sessions for the three of us sometimes.

In your case, if things are at least amicable between you and the ex, have him take them to counseling as often as you do. That way, it's a family process and the two of you are forming a united front about its importance (the first of MANY such alliances you'll still need to form with your ex as your girls get older), and sometimes there could be sessions with just the girls and their father. If things aren't amicable, then, take the lead on the counseling thing yourself, because right now your girls are going to be torn and conflicted and need that third party adult who it's safe to talk to.

Good luck to your family, and as a side note from me to you...Be strong and always take the high road; it IS possible to come out the other side happily. I remarried and my new husband and I had a child of our own, and we're now a family of five (ex is not in the picture). We have our rough patches like any family but I feel really blessed and happy. Someday, so will you, and you deserve to.

Moms Council member Nancy Goodrich suggested:

I'm sorry to hear about the painful situation your family is experiencing. I think the best solution would be to engage a family therapist to support your daughters during this transitional time. Perhaps a mediation group would be able to recommend a particular therapist; I like their emphasis on separating the 'spousal' issues from the 'parenting' issues. Also, the website CoParenting101.org is a great resource.

I don't know how "new" this decision is, but it seems like your husband should not step back during this time. Removing himself from the equation seems sure to create feelings that he is "divorcing" your daughters, too, as well as to make him seem less available. What they most likely need right now is reassurance that they are not losing either of you...reassurance of the stability of both of your presence in their life.

Definitely, talk to the girls. I would probably call a "family meeting," if that were possible. Remind both girls that there's nothing they did to cause this, that it's a decision you've come to as grown-ups about your relationship, and that there's nothing they can do to undo it. Apologize for the heartache, but reassure them that you will both be there. Have a schedule prepared for times they can count on seeing their father. Be consistent and patient.

Again, therapy may help. Other than that, time. My heart goes out to your family as you face this challenge.

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