Moms Talk: Is Spanking Out of Style?

Our Moms Council addresses your concerns about parenting, motherhood, teenage and toddler troubles and anything in between. Join the conversation! We want to hear your thoughts, so drop them in the comment box below. Our questioning readers will appreciate your help.

This week, our Moms Council answered this question:

I'm the mother of an eight-year-old boy. My husband has one other child from a previous marriage who is now 23-years-old. The style in which he raised his first son was very different, because times have changed. Nowadays, no parents "spank" their children, in fact, they wouldn't dare for fear of having the cops called on them. There is no harsh physical punishment anymore, and I consider this a good thing. My husband, however, does not consider spanking a "harsh physical punishment." He thinks that we're "breeding a bunch of wusses" nowadays. 

I know that it isn't child abuse, but I can't get behind spanking our son. My husband's other argument is that, "we were all spanked, our generation, and we turned out just fine." 

I was wondering your thoughts on the subject -- are you for spanking? Against? Do you agree times have changed for the better? Or worse?

Just interested to see where everyone stands on this!  Thanks Moms Council!

Moms Council member Kathleen Gracia says:

I was spanked, not very often, and I think I turned out fine. The same is true of my husband -- I think he turned out pretty good.  I agree times have changed, but for the worse. Discipline is going away.

You do not spank your children to hurt them but to get their attention. You never spank in anger and it should not be the first line of punishment. While I understand the sentiment "spare the rod, spoil the child," we did not find it necessary to spank our three children. I have found consistently  forcing rules and expectations, quality time with my children and doing things they like has proven to be the best plan.

I have observed always yelling does nothing (save that for when your child is about to cross the street when a car is speeding down the road). I don't see  love and interaction, and therefore no respect. They expect things of their children that they do not consistently exhibit on their own.  

Moms Council member Heidi McDonald adds:

I do agree that we live in a harsher society now, and that many children grow up with a sense of entitlement or a lack of discipline because a lot of parents in our generation would rather be their child's friend than exercise proper discipline. However, that doesn't mean we need to spank our children to get them to mind, it only means that we need to work harder to avoid being lazy parents.

I grew up in a home where one parent agreed with spanking and the other did not. That feeling of perpetual fear I experienced at home contributed to my marrying an abuser when I grew up. Fortunately, I was lucky enough to get away and later, marry a better man. I understand that my situation is unique, but I can't help but think that fathers who spank their daughters teach those girls that living in fear is normal. For boys, it could model bullying. The point is that I don't think it builds character, but that it's Machiavellian.

At our house, children don't get spanked, with two exceptions. If it's something that's an immediate and serious danger to the child or another person, they get smacked. The other is an honest last resort when every other means of discipline has failed. You can't use the threat of spanking very effectively if the child has never been spanked. I think my 7-year-old has been spanked maybe four times in his life, and my oldest, three. I can't say we haven't used spanking, but we've chosen our spots carefully.

What we've found to be most effective is cause and effect. If you make this choice, here's what happens...and the consequences we lay down always involve the child's system of priorities. If you don't do your homework, and your grades go down, you lose your TV, computer and video game privileges until your grades come back up. So, would you rather do your homework for half an hour now, or, lose your privileges for nine weeks? It works for us most of the time. Good luck!

Email all questions you have for our Mom Council to: beauchamp.sarah1@gmail.com. Include any details (child’s age, gender, etc.) that will help our Council better answer your queries. Ask anything! They’re hear to listen and advise, whenever you need!