Moms Talk: Keep it Private or Go Public?

Our Moms Council addresses your concerns about parenting, motherhood, teenage and toddler troubles and anything in between.

Join the conversation! We want to hear your thoughts, so drop them in the comment box below. Our readers will appreciate your help.

This week, our Moms Council answered this question:

"My husband is very gung-ho about sending our oldest daughter to a private high school next year. We are hoping she will receive some sort of scholarship/funding, but even if she doesn't, we'd be willing to pay for that level of education. However, my daughter isn't too keen on the idea. She's used to her friends and classmates that she's gotten to know over the years and she hates the idea of leaving them. She'd much rather go to public school. Personally, right now I think I'd rather see my daughter happy than in private school, but there are good points to be made about the benefits of private education.

I was wondering if anyone on the Moms Council had encountered this themselves, or has any personal advice concerning the pros and cons of both private and public educations? Thanks!

Moms Council member Patricia Schaefer suggests:

It seems easier to discuss religion and politics nowadays than education. You and your husband are either open to exploring continuing with public education or you're not. If you're really not, then save your child angst, bite the bullet and transfer her.

If you are, then first I'd explore why you feel the need to make the change in high school now.  It sounds as if you've been satisfied with her education thus far.    Tour the high school in the district you live (both parents). Our district says you can stop in anytime...so do it. See how the high school is run.    

Then request an IEP (Individual Education Plan).  You have that right as a parent.  Meet with the principal, guidance counselor and a teacher and go through your child's portfolio and recommended classes. In high school, there are excellent choices and educational opportunities. Discuss what you are concerned about. Be honest and be open to what you see and hear there.  

Then, talk with your daughter about what you've found.  If you're still open to her staying, then say so. If you have some concerns, discuss them with her. You know your daughter. You should know her friends. 

There are many successful students accepted to prestigious universities who have graduated from public school. Colleges look at many things....grades, SATs, and activities like sports, band, drama, scholastic competitions. A well-rounded student can manage time and has learned social skills necessary to succeed in college. It is the opportunities, the desire of the child to learn and parent involvement that helps a child succeed in public or private school.

If you do your due diligence, then you will feel comfortable with your decision.  And if you discuss why your daughter can stay where she is or why you want to transfer her elsewhere, she will appreciate what you've done.  (Give her time....she will).

Honestly, if you stay engaged in your child's education and her life, she will succeed wherever she goes, because you have given her a strong foundation.

Most folks don't talk about or care where you went to high school. It's after high school, how you live your life and fill your days, that matters.  Those decisions will ultimately be hers.  

Moms Council member Heidi McDonald says:

My daughter got a scholarship to a private school beginning in 7th grade, and she's in 10th now. I won't lie, the first year of transition was positively brutal, and there is a lot of class-clique stuff that goes on, particularly with girls. However, that said, there is nothing that would make me regret or change the decision to send her there, because she is being academically challenged and because going to school there opens doors for her which wouldn't have been available had she continued in the public system. 

We constantly reinforce the fact that the academic reward is worth any pettiness, and she pretty much keeps her head down and keeps her nose to the grindstone, and that has earned her scholarships to important summer programs and a prestigious internship. She did lose touch with most of her public school friends, but that has not ultimately made a huge difference in her life, mostly because academically, she's too busy for much of a social life anyway. Kids these days, with Facebook, are in a position we weren't...they never have to lose touch with anyone they don't want to, even if they go to different schools.

My other two children are in public schools. There are benefits and frustrations in both types of schools. If you do go with private, think of it as money you're paying now which will likely be replaced later by a college scholarship (pay now versus pay later). You simply have to decide what your family's priorities are. Good luck!

Moms Council member Kathleen Gracia says: 

Growing up Catholic and going to private schools, I always thought I would send my children to  private schools as well.  My husband always went to public school. When it came time to send our children to school, we decided to send them to public school. My husband's colleagues were always trying to convince him to send his children to private school.  We have been very pleased with our decision and with the education they have received. They have received a well-rounded education.  They have been with children from all walks of life, and they are ready for the real world. I do not believe you get this in private schools. There are good points to be made for private school but just as many for public. If safety is a concern, the problems are in private school too, we just do not hear about them.

But all this aside, the most important thing is your daughter wants to be with her friends. High school years are hard enough and especially for a girl, she needs her friends.  You may think that she will adjust, she will get over you making her go to private school. She might, but she might not. It might be a hard road you put her on and she may rebel the whole time she is there. I would have some long talks with your daughter, and I think your instinct will tell you what to do.

Moms Council member Valerie Gotaskie adds: 

Because my daughter is too young for our family to have faced this decision yet, I can only offer the following observation:

Until a few years ago, I served as an admissions interviewer for a Top 25 university. In that capacity, I met with dozens of high school seniors from the area. Some were outstanding. Others...not so much. The only thing I could predict prior to meeting them based upon the high school they attended was how well "coached" they would be.  

Students from the many fine private high schools in the Pittsburgh area tended to be somewhat better prepared because of their access to strong college counseling programs at their schools. When it came to the actual interview, however, it was impossible to tell whether a young woman from a private school would be more accomplished and impressive than one from a public school. In short, I interviewed some spectacular kids from high schools with less than stellar reputations and some real duds from some of the region's most well-respected schools. It all just depended upon how personally motivated a student was to push herself and make the most of the opportunities available to her no matter what kind of school she attended.

Email all questions you have for our Mom Council to: beauchamp.sarah1@gmail.com. Include any details (child’s age, etc.) that will help our Council better answer your queries. Ask anything! They’re hear to listen and advise, whenever you need!