Moms Talk: Piercing Peril

Our Moms Council addresses your concerns about parenting, motherhood, teenage and toddler troubles and anything in between.

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This week, our Moms Council answered this question:

"This is hopefully something someone on the Moms Council has gone through. My teenage daughter wants to get her tongue pierced. I've threatened her before (albeit mostly empty threats) that I won't help her pay for college if she gets it. I most likely would never not help her pay for school, but I really don't like the idea of her putting a metal stud in her mouth.

But, alas she is 18-years-old and legally she can do whatever she wants (aside from drinking and renting a car). She seems dead set on getting the piercing. I allowed her to get her belly-button done and I thought it would end there. 

Any tips on how to deter her from getting the tongue ring? Anyone go through something similar? Should I give up a fight I know I'll lose? 

Thanks Council!"

Moms Council member Kathleen Gracia suggested:

I have to say I have not had this request from my daughter (Thankfully!) I think because her parents are both in the medical field, we always talked about the health problems that could result.  

I think if you approach it from that point, you might have a fighting chance. There are plenty of stories you can show her off the Internet. Your mouth carries the most germs, so infection is a possibility not to mention the problems with speech. She may be 18, but do not give up being her parent. The college threat is probably not the best, since she probably knows it is an empty one. Is there allowance, car privileges or something you could really follow through with? If that fails, be honest with her and tell her you really would be devastated and could she reconsider. I wish you luck.

Moms Council member Heidi McDonald added:

First of all, here's something to share with your daughter: http://www.drhendry.ca/InfoAndLinks/TonguePiercing/Piercing.html

Second, don't you DARE give up on this. Tough love will be required, so, steel yourself.

Third, if she's 18, she's probably a senior in high school and therefore in that phase of thinking she's 10 feet tall and invincible. Tough cookies. The rule is, that even if she is 18, as long as she lives in your house, she is not allowed to get a tongue piercing.

You need to change the consequences to have more immediate impact (because at that age, it's all about instant gratification and she's not going to care about a consequence that won't hit until next year...which she probably suspects you wouldn't follow through on, anyway). If she breaks the rule, her life gets miserable, fast. No car, phone, outing privileges...anything you can think of that matters to her, you are going to take away if she does this.

She needs to understand that. You're her Mom—not her friend, and at this age, you have to choose your battles. CHOOSE THIS ONE.

The bottom line here is that this fad only took off in America because it supposedly makes oral sex better, and your daughter probably understands this. What she wants to do isn't just going to come across as slutty (whether she intends that or not), but poses risks to her short and long term health...and who knows what it will do to her job prospects. Best of luck!

Moms Council member Nancy Goodrich said:

I haven't gone through this; my kids are young, yet. But here's what I think: Aim for one more conversation with your daughter about it, and then let it rest.

Leave the threats behind and speak from your heart, out of concern. This sort of tone: "Please hear me out, because I worry about you. You know I'm against this, and I know it will ultimately be your decision to make. But this isn't a decision you should make lightly, so just let me speak so I know you're aware of the risks."

Explain to her your reasons for concern, be they health (http://www.webmd.com/oral-health/guide/oral-piercing) or social (many potential employers may not give her a fair shake) or both. Then, as hard as it is, you're just going to have to be hands-off about it. That will be difficult, but as you say she is 18 and can do "whatever she wants." Make your best case, then hope her better judgement shines through (but keep on loving her, even if it doesn't)

Moms Council member Valerie Gotaskie said:

My first reaction was to say that you should count your blessings that it's only a tongue piercing that (I assume) is relatively easily reversible. However, I think you should also count your blessings that she is discussing the matter with you at all. As you point out, she is an adult and fully within her rights to decorate her body as she sees fit.

The mere fact that she is asking for your approval rather than springing her new hardware on you after the fact means she does, deep down, value you and your opinion. She'll never admit this to you, of course.

I think it's fine to say that you'll be disappointed if she goes through with it, as well as presenting her with all the cons of going through life with a hunk of metal in her tongue. I think she's going to know you're bluffing with the threat to withhold college funding, however, and may resent you for blowing things out of proportion.

Have questions? We have answers! Submit all queries to beauchamp.sarah1@gmail.com. Our Moms Council is Yoda-wise, so ask away!