Moms Talk: Reasoning Behind the Risqué

Our Moms Council addresses your concerns about parenting, motherhood, teenage and toddler troubles and anything in between.

Join the conversation! We want to hear your thoughts, so drop them in the comment box below. Our questioning readers will appreciate your help.

This week, our Moms Council answered this question:

"My daughter is 22 years old and attending a top university in the area. Her focus in school is performance and visual arts. She is incredibly talented, smart and creative, but recently I discovered she's been doing burlesque shows with a local group. She's justified it by saying that it's art, a form of dance, and that it's in no way 'stripping.' Still, it is incredibly suggestive, and does require her to wear some risqué things. I'm concerned—I don't want her to be viewed as some piece of meat. I was wondering if anyone had any advice as to better explain to her that this may not be a good idea."

Moms Council member Heidi McDonald suggested:

If she believes it's art, you aren't going to convince her otherwise. Go to the show and see for yourself. You could end up being surprised—it could be beautiful, visually stunning, and very tastefully done. Her participation in this kind of show is not the same thing as being promiscuous, and you've already said that she has a lot going for her in other areas.

My advice would not be to explain to her why what she's doing isn't a good idea, but rather, I encourage you to investigate the situation further with an open mind, and then have an honest dialogue with your daughter about what you've seen. The most important thing to note is how comfortable she is with you being there. If she's truly proud of what she's doing (and it sounds as though she is), she will be glad to have you come see the show. If your presence makes her embarrassed, then that provides a good opportunity for dialogue between you two.

It sounds like she's grown up to be a talented young woman with prospects, which means you've done a good job of seeing her to adulthood. Now that she is an adult, you aren't going to agree with everything she does—but you can try harder to understand it, and to put more trust in the good job you've done.

Moms Council member Valerie Gotaskie added:

You already seem to understand that overreacting will just cause your adult (young adult, admittedly, but undeniably adult) daughter to become defensive, so kudos. 

I would suggest simply asking her whether this is something she would be comfortable sharing with a future employer or romantic partner or including in her autobiography. If she still feels it's something to be proud of rather than covered up, I'm afraid there's not much you're going to be able to do to change her mind, although you may at least plant the seed that not everyone's perception of her activities may conform to hers.

Have questions? We have answers! Submit all queries to beauchamp.sarah1@gmail.com. Our Moms Council is Yoda-wise, so ask away!