Moms Talk: Sharing the Spotlight

Our Moms Council addresses your concerns about parenting, motherhood, teenage and toddler troubles and anything in between.

Join the conversation! We want to hear your thoughts, so drop them in the comment box below. Our questioning readers will appreciate your help!

This week, our Moms Council answered this question:

I just had my second baby about three months ago and my first is three years old. My three year old has begun to lash out and demand attention in inappropriate ways (ie. throwing things, screaming, etc.). It's been hard because I try to focus on them both at the same time, but always feel as if I'm neglecting one of them. 

Do you have any tips for making your oldest still feel important while finding time for the newborn?

Thanks Moms Council! 

Moms Council member Kathleen Gracia suggests:

This is the same age difference as my first two children. I worked at this from the beginning. I had the three year old be the "very important helper.” He would pick out the babies clothes (sometimes not so pretty), and I would have him hand things to me as I was changing the baby. If the baby was crying, I would ask him to sing and talk to the baby. I’d tell him that, "I don't know what is wrong, what do you think?” I made him think that the baby really needed him and that he had the magic touch. I tried to make him feel important and needed.  You need to make time for the three year old that is just his/hers.

Go out for ice cream or play a game that is just with them while baby is sleeping or have dad do it, or have dad take the baby.  It is important that you have time with just the three year old and make a big deal of it. Tell him that at "two o'clock that is game time (make up a name)" and tell them that "it is almost our game time!" Let them know that this is a big deal for you, like they are doing you the favor.  This "game time," or ice cream time, or whatever, does not have to be very long but it is important that it is just for you and your three year old. Good Luck!

Moms Council member Heidi McDonald adds:

Congrats on your new addition! What you're going through, while frustrating, is both normal and expected.

The way I handled the same situation was to make some dates with just me and the older child, a special set of weekly outings or a "Mommy and Me" type class. That helped me maintain the bond with my older child but also allowed my husband some bonding time with the new baby.

You might also consider having a special outing once in awhile with both parents and just your older child, while the baby spends time with a grandparent or a sitter; with that outing, you can build it up for a week or so beforehand and help it be something your child is really looking forward to. Consider making that a reward for good behavior that your child can earn using a behavior chart. If it's an attention thing (it probably is), the child will be only too happy to have a way to earn more positive attention.

I don't know whether your oldest is a son or a daughter, but it also helped our situation to get my daughter (23 months older than her nearest-aged brother) a baby doll and play with the doll, with her, to help her express some of her feelings through play. Helping the child to express feelings, even if it's just beating on a pillow when angry, will be important for both of you.

Going from one child to two is rough for the first year, but after that, it does get better. Mind you, you'll always have sibling rivalry to balance, but it will not always be as pronounced as it is right now. Best of luck!

Email all questions you have for our Moms Council to: beauchamp.sarah1@gmail.com. Include any details (child’s age, gender, etc.) that will help our Council better answer your queries. Ask anything! They’re hear to listen and advise, whenever you need!