Moms Talk: To Play or Not to Play

Our Moms Council addresses your concerns about parenting, motherhood, teenage and toddler troubles and anything in between.

Join the conversation! We want to hear your thoughts, so drop them in the comment box below. Our questioning readers will appreciate your help. 

This week, our Moms Council answered this question:

"My husband and I start our kids in organized sports young, as most parents do, and some of our children have stuck with it and others have chosen other extra curricular activities. My youngest daughter now plays basketball and hates it. She complains each time she has a practice or a game and says she would much rather spend her time doing anything else. My husband thinks it'll be good to keep her in it (this is only her second year) because it will help build character and teach her things like how to be on a team and communicate well with others. 

I think we should let her quit if that's what she wants to do. I trust that she'll find other ways to learn those things. I've tried to convince my husband otherwise but he seems pretty set on keeping her in the league. 

Any advice?"

Moms Council member Valerie Gotaskie suggests:

I suppose this sort of goes without saying, but it sounds as if two separate conversations need to occur:  one with your daughter and one with your husband. If you haven't already, have a talk with your daughter about why she wants to quit. Is it truly that basketball "just isn't her thing," or is something else going on, i.e. a mean kid she doesn't know how to deal with, an overly-demanding coach, etc. Sometimes a child will want to quit an activity they previously enjoyed not because they lose interest but because they have trouble dealing with a person associated with it. Perhaps the answer isn't to quit basketball but to try and improve the situation on the current team or even to switch to another team or league.

I also think it’s important to find out why your husband is so opposed to letting your daughter quit. Is it an issue of fairness? Were the older children required to participate in the same sport more than one year and he's afraid that being lenient with this child would be "going against the rules”? Does your daughter show a lot of promise if she would just apply herself? Is he hoping to put an end to a pattern of "quitting" or "giving up" he thinks he has observed? There must be some reason he's putting up such a fight.

Once you’ve had both conversations, hopefully you can come to an agreement as a family about what is best for your daughter.

Moms Council member Kathleen Gracia had this to say:

This reminds me very much of my own daughter, except it was soccer. If she is hating it, you should let her quit. See if there is another sport or dancing school or girl scout troop that she could join that would teach her the same things. If she is enjoying something, she will get a lot more out of it.  My daughter changed to dance and girl scouts and was so much happier. Of course, there were times when she complained about going to them as well, but when asked if she wanted to quit, it was always a loud "no."

I would make sure that there is not someone that is bothering her on the team and then tell her she can quit. Maybe when she’s not forced to play basketball anymore, you will get her real feelings on it. And then if she wants to quit, let her quit.

Good Luck!

Moms Council member Heidi McDonald adds:

First, I'd talk more with your husband about why he wants your daughter to continue in a sport she clearly doesn't like, to be sure it's a commitment concern; sometimes with parents and sports it has more to do with their own experiences and unrealized hopes. Also, talk more with your daughter about why she doesn't like basketball. She may need extra help with her skills, or maybe someone is picking on her. The reason may be something fixable. Maybe not, but you should at least explore that.

Second, I'm not down with the whole, "this will build character," thing. The only thing you build when you force a child to do an activity she doesn't like is resentment. Your child will learn how to be a team player in gym class. Your child will learn how to finish what she starts when she has to do school projects, and for better communication, the state requires high schoolers to take a year of speech class to graduate. Throughout her life, there will be other ways she'll learn these lessons. 

You could talk about what activity your daughter might like to replace basketball with. Not every kid is a "sports kid." I certainly wasn't and two of my three kids like sports, but my middle son doesn't, he's an artist. We let him quit soccer after two years and sent him to art classes instead. Two years is certainly enough time to establish whether a child likes, or is good at, an activity.

If it's a question of being in the middle of the season, she should finish the season this year but not have to play again next year. My daughter (age 16) is also in an activity right now that she has asked to quit. She gave us good reasons why and we told her she could quit after her commitment for this year is over. She is replacing that activity with a different one next year. Good luck!

Moms Council Member Nancy Goodrich says: 

I think many families struggle with this sometime tension between parents and children about chosen activities. I don't know how old your daughter is, but I agree with you that it's probably not helpful to keep your daughter in basketball if she hates it. With a year of experience under her belt, she knows what the game is all about, and basketball just isn't for everyone.

Teamwork and communication are important skills, no doubt, but playing basketball isn't the only way to learn them. Perhaps it would be easier for your husband to accept giving up basketball if your daughter had an alternative activity chosen that would help with these traits. It doesn't need to be sports. Academic teams, dance classes and many other activities also emphasis collaboration and communication. If that's really what's important to your husband for your daughter, maybe you and he can help her find an alternative that meets those goals--one that she'll actually enjoy.