Moms Talk: Too Close for Comfort

Our Moms Council addresses your concerns about parenting, motherhood, teenage and toddler troubles and anything in between.

Join the conversation! We want to hear your thoughts, so drop them in the comment box below. Our questioning readers will appreciate your help.

This week, our Moms Council answered this question:

"I've always lived within 20 minutes of both my adult daughters. They are successful, wonderful young women, but I'm afraid that with their father and I so close to them, they've grown too accustomed to having us around. They are used to having our physical and financial help whenever they need it, and I'm worried that they've become slightly dependent on this. I don't want them to struggle, but I feel some struggle is necessary and normal when entering adulthood. What can I do as a mother to teach them this, without pulling away too much? I'm having a difficult time finding the balance."

Moms Council member Heidi McDonald suggested:

You've said they are both "successful." In that case, you've already done your job as a parent and the only time your financial support should truly be required is if there's a crisis. I suggest you and your husband have a frank talk individually with your girls. Explain that since both daughters are now grown and successful, you and he have been looking more closely into your finances, and realizing that you need to make some financial planning changes that include saving more money toward a future time when you're older and will need it yourselves.

Then, list what you've been doing to help financially and spell out specifically what you can and can't do any longer, and when that will become effective (and that can possibly include staggering the cut-off dates if that makes you more comfortable). If you frame it as something you need to do for your own long term well-being, rather than any failing of theirs, they'd be jerks to get angry. Good luck!

Moms Council member Hillary Garvey said:

The best thing my dad ever did for me was not spoil me (and I’m not saying your spoil your girls). I always appreciated how he made sure I found my own way out of a mess. Sure, he would step in when I really needed it, but the amount of faith and trust he had in me made me feel great in the long run, despite how challenging the situations may have been.

I think being there for your kids is wonderful, but there is certainly something to be said for teaching them the lesson that life is unfair and can be quite frustrating. Maybe don’t run when they call—have a conversation about what they need, if it is something they actually need, and how they can go about achieving it/providing it for themselves.

Also, a loving reminder every once in a while that not everyone has it as nice as they do will help. I’m not doubting their appreciation for what you and their father do, but it never hurts to be reminded of how grateful we should be for the things we have.

Hope this helps!

Have questions? We have answers! Submit all queries to beauchamp.sarah1@gmail.com. Our Moms Council is Yoda-wise, so ask away!