Moms Talk: Two Roads Diverged

Our Moms Council addresses your concerns about parenting, motherhood, teenage and toddler troubles and anything in between. Join the conversation! We want to hear your thoughts, so drop them in the comment box below. Our questioning readers will appreciate your help.

This week, our Moms Council answered this question:

My daughter graduated High School this year. She is a bright and talented young woman with so many wonderful possibilities ahead of her. She's been accepted to some great schools that vary in size and geographical location. She has her choices. But what has she chosen? Not to attend college. She's decided it's just "not for her." She isn't "into school." And sees herself more fitted for the career world. 

I know that this is certainly a possibility, that she isn't "meant for school," and that she could be wildly successful without it. But those are smaller chances. With the economy and job market the way it is, it's just safer to get a college degree. It's her insurance for when she's out there on her own and looking for work. I'm afraid it will be so much harder for her if she skips it. Not only that, but it's COLLEGE! It's fun! I loved college, made some of my best friends in college, and I would hate for her to miss out on that. 

I know I can't be the only one going through this right now. Any advice?

Moms Council member Valerie Gotaskie had this to say:

That's a tough one. For all the reasons you mention, college is a great and worthwhile experience for those who have the desire and financial ability to go. As adults, it's hard to conceive of a career path that doesn't entail at least a two-year degree or some formal training/apprenticeship. A bright, talented young woman with just a high school degree will find "employment," sure, but a "career" will be much harder to come by.

At eighteen, it's awfully hard to look far enough ahead to understand this, of course. Does she at least have a vision for what she will do to set herself up for a successful future without college? If she's already started to code the next great thing that replaces Facebook, she might be on the right track. If she just wants to hang out and "figure stuff out," however, you may have to light a fire under her.

Maybe you can make a deal with her that she'll take a "transition year" this year where she travels, works or volunteers where her interests (and her bank account, not yours) allow, with a reevaluation next spring. If she is on a solid path with lots of good plans and prospects, then you won't interfere. On the other hand, if things aren't working out, you reserve the right to insist she look into enrolling in some sort of career preparation. Odds are, she'll have more maturity and life experience by that time to come to the conclusion you have already.

Moms Council member Heidi McDonald added:

I wasn't ready to go but was still pressured to go anyway, and then I only lasted one semester because I hated it. My parents were having fits for similar reasons, not to mention I gave up a full scholarship when I quit. I traveled, worked, lived on my own (which is something I think EVERY young woman needs to do at least once in her life because it's so liberating!). I didn't require my parents' financial assistance until I was 22 and had nowhere else to go after a really bad (uninsured) burglary, and then, I only stayed for six months.

I am now 41 and in college full time, and having a ball. It is definitely more expensive, and logistically difficult now that I am a wife and mother...but I appreciate it a million times more than I did when I was 18, and now that I'm fully committed and ready to apply myself, I'm getting a 3.9.

 I'm sharing my story to let you know that:

1. If she doesn't go directly to college, that doesn't mean she'll never go. It also doesn't automatically mean you'll be responsible to financially support her, as long as you draw your boundaries clearly.

2. She's only going to be young once, and colleges will still be around. If she doesn't appreciate the opportunity now, she won't make the most of it, anyway. She can get a lot of important education about life, and career experience, by waiting. I certainly did!

3. Some famous, awesome, smart, influential people didn't go to college and turned out just fine. I like to think I'm one of them, but some who did even better are: Bill Gates, Abraham Lincoln, Steven Spielberg, and Rachel Ray.

I am a firm believer in letting kids find their own path. She got into great schools at first try. If she takes a year to explore her life and her goals, then re-applies, I can't help but think admissions counselors would be intrigued that a young woman had all those options, but instead chose a year long journey of self-discovery, and "here's what she learned from it."  If college is a necessity (and again, I arrived at the idea that it is), she'll learn that, but she's got to be the one to come to that conclusion herself.  Best of luck to you and congratulations to her on her graduation! :)