Patch Picks: Swissvale's China House II

Let us take a moment celebrate the Generic Chinese Restaurant.

You know exactly what it looks like: a one-room eatery with a single counter, a few tables and a pictorial menu above the cash register. The smoky kitchen is fully visible from the second you enter. Décor is sparse, but there’s a poster of the Great Wall. The take-out menus are neatly arranged, and the paper placemats explain your astrological animal.

Every American has eaten at a Generic Chinese Restaurant, whether we find it at a strip-mall or deep inside New York’s Chinatown. And we love them, because they’re fast, efficient and delicious. Lunch? Dinner? Weekend pickup? Anytime is good for some sesame chicken.

China House II, located in the heart of Swissvale, is just such a restaurant. This is a no-frills dining experience, unless you count a couple of corner gumball machines as a frill. On a weekend afternoon, patrons enter one or two at a time, and when one diner finishes, another enters. Rarely is more than one table occupied at a time.

(Incidentally, there is no indication, anywhere in the restaurant or on printed material, where to find China House I, and if you ask, the answer may not make any sense. If you mention the name to friends, they might think you’re talking about the sequel to a Hong Kong action movie). 

But if China House II seems a little barren, the staff makes up for it with good cheer. They smile and ask how you’re doing today, and even the cooks seem chipper. In the exposed kitchen, super-fast English and Chinese are spoken in tandem. And if upbeat service isn’t something you value, the portions are gigantic.

This is the perfect restaurant for normal, everyday, nothing-special Chinese, which will come packaged in a white box no matter whether you’re staying or going. Every item is greasy, oily, salty and drippy, and no matter what you order, stock up on napkins. Whatever you’re apparent background, the staff will probably give you the benefit of the doubt and offer chopsticks. They will not be insulted if you refrain. If anything, they’ll smile amusedly.

Seek out rice, lo mein, egg rolls and soup. Chopped up chunks of meat will be generous and thoroughly flavored. You can call ahead, dash over on your lunch break and dash out in about 10 minutes, even at noon.

Conversely, China House II is no place for Peking duck or even serious moo shoo burritos. Delicacies of Chinese cuisine are better found elsewhere. But no one will ever frequent a Chinese restaurant for its authenticity. General Tso is as foreign to Szechuan chefs as Bloomin’ Onions are foreign to Australians. China House II is a place to embrace fact of modern cuisine. Eat, eat and be merry.

If you’re lucky, you will walk out with twice the number of fortune cookies as orders placed. This will leave you with two sayings to compare and contrast. On the one hand, “There is no secret to success but hard work.” On the other, “You are liked and respected.” Like China House II, you can make of these what you will.