Abhorrent Administrative Assistants

In honor of Administrative Professionals Day, April 24

Over the early portions of my "career" as an engineer I’ve had the pleasure of working with several very competent secretaries. You could actually ask them for something and they would do it correctly the first time AND with a smile. This made the hours between arriving at the office and leaving to return home much more bearable.

To my disappointment and frustration, ever since "Administrative Assistant" became the politically correct term used to describe a computer literate glorified typist, I’ve had a run of bad luck with working with any kind of even remotely competent "assistant." Come to think of it, have you noticed that ever since stewardesses became "flight attendants" the quality of said attendants has gone down substantially? The majority of the last few AAs I've dealt with have been idiots (a word derived from the Greek ιδιωτης, idiōtēs ("layman," "person lacking professional skill,"), my present secretary excluded.

There is nothing worse than having an assistant you have to ask twice for things. Even worse is when she cops an attitude and complains that she will get to it as soon as she can. Just to clarify something before I start getting all kinds of nasty e-mails from NOW (the National Organization for Women), I do not want to hear any crap about using "she" instead of "they." When was the last time you saw a male secretary?

Least I digress...I even had one AA who took three days to make one copy of a manual, for what should have been less than 30 minutes of effort standing in front of a copy machine. I know how important the phone call to your girlfriend about your sick aunt or last night’s date can be. And heaven forbid if you give her something difficult, like sending out a package. And for God’s sake, DON’T EVER LET THEM MAKE TRAVEL PLANS FOR YOU!

And I want to know who came up with Administrative Professionals Day? Why should anyone be pressured into buying something for someone they don’t like? I understand the concept of doing something nice for someone who works for you. I have a boss, but you don’t see me getting a card and being taken out to lunch on a special day set aside to recognize MY contributions to the company which made him look good.

To add insult to injury, who was the insensitive bastard who came up with National Bosses' Day? It definitely wasn’t a middle manager. Only a total kiss-ass would actually give their boss a card or present for National Bosses’ Day, a so-called holiday obviously created solely for the benefit of "The Man." If we are going to celebrate Bosses' Day, then I think it should be similar to the non-religious aspects of Easter. The boss in question should be required to show up to work early and drop little presents in each of his/her underlings' offices (i.e. chocolate, flowers, cash, etc). Or he/she should be required to take his/her entire department out for lunch, but without the Administrative Assistant. Screw her. She already has her own day.

Marc "Wiggy" Kovacs - Abhorrer of Awful Administrative Assistants