Fifteen First Dates

With Valentine’s Day right around the corner and in the age of the mobile devices and increased pace of modern life, many people find it very difficult to find “that special someone.” And not necessarily because they are ugly, psychotic or a total loser. Many times it’s because they just don’t have the time or exposure to the dating pool to seek out Mr./Ms. Right. And dating someone you work with is NEVER a good idea if you want to keep your personal life “personal.”

“OMG, Amber! Guess who I went out with last night. I so have to tell you about what a freak he is.”

But how do you meet a lot of people in a short period of time and know enough about each to be able to determine if he/she is the “one?” Take a bunch of shy, not-so-good-looking, socially inept people, put them in a big room and make them talk to each other one-on-one for five minutes in a giant game of musical chairs; but without music and with one too many seats.

With its origins credited to Rabbi Yaacov Deyo of Aish HaTorah and originally as a way to help Jewish singles meet and marry, speed dating is a formalized matchmaking process whose purpose is to encourage people to meet a large number of new people in a short period of time.

Described as “the hot new alternative on the dating scene,” compared to barhopping and online dating, speed dating is not just for Jewish singles, librarians or computer geeks anymore. In the present world of immediate gratification and shows such as "Jersey Shore," speed dating is the “instant dating solution” for today’s hip singles. Unlike normal dating which could take years to weed out potential ex-spouses, you’ve got five to 10 minutes to meet and create “chemistry."

Because of the limited time, the way you dress and the questions you ask are really important. One thing attendees don’t have is the luxury of time. If they are shy or tongue-tied, they might as well go back to eHarmony. No one wants to date someone who is inarticulate, boring or nervous. So dating “experts” advise that short of having a paper full of interrogation questions, you must be ready with a list of interesting, impressive and enjoyable inquiries which will keep the conversation alive for those five to 10 minutes.

For those of you lacking the “married” status moniker on Facebook, have no fear. I am here to obfuscate with some of the most productive and efficient questions for your next speed dating session. The following should almost certainly be on your list of speed dating questions. If these don’t weed them out and save you valuable dating time, I don’t know what will.

1) Are you married? Used at the proper moment, this question determines the value and frequency of gifts to be showered upon you...as well as the potential value of blackmail if things don’t work out.

2) How many times? Goes to the heart of whether this person over time evolves into someone totally un-dateable.

3) Why are you here? Valid question to determine how smart (or how stupid) your potential mate may be. A deer-in-the-headlights look is an acceptable response.

4) How much money do you make?/Do you think you can afford me? I am well-endowed you know. [substitute words for gender specificity] Coupled with Question #1, this can greatly improve your standard of living.

5) What do you think of the name Caroline? [substitute an ex-boyfriend or girlfriend’s name] Everyone talks about past relationships. This determines the level of potential jealousy.

6) Do you know when to keep your mouth shut? Important fact, especially when watching sports or when making him watch your favorite episode of “Dancing with the Stars.”

7) Can you cook? If they can’t cook, what’s the point?

8) Do you think I'm hot? Goes to honesty and trust. You don’t want someone that can sit there with a straight face and answer “yes” and convince you they are sincere. If they can pull that off, they are so going to cheat on you.

9) What is your ethnic background? Related to the issue of family, this question will tell you whether or not you will spend your Sundays in a house full of loud, crazy cousins, nosey aunts and drunken uncles.

10) Do you remember my name? If they get this one wrong, just walk away.

Utilize these questions and although you probably won’t end up with any matches, you’ll get a good laugh out of knowing you scared a few people.

And by the way, if you are desperate enough to have to resort to speed dating, keep this in mind. A 2006 study in Edinburgh, Scotland showed that 45 percent of the women participants in a speed-dating event and 22 percent of the men had come to a decision within the first 30 seconds. So if you are ugly, stay with Match.com and the college picture. Luckily I don't have these problems...

Marc "Wiggy" Kovacs - Dictatory of Didactic Dating Desperation