Men are from Romulus…

This one is sure to get me in trouble...even with Father’s Day coming up this Sunday. Happy Father’s Day to all my not-so-bright testosterone-laden readers. Especially those who haven’t yet figured out the intricacies of communication with those of the fairer sex.

There are several various translations of what is about to follow. This is the version honed through experience by the staff at Wiggy’s Words of Wisdom. As a public service, below are a few keywords and phrases which should raise a red flag that a conversation between yourself and a descendant of Eve is not going your way. Body language, facial expression and tone can also assist in recognizing when you should cut your losses. These are “for real” terms and should not be taken lightly. Failure to identify when you’re a recipient of such a veiled expression of impending doom could result in intense embarrassment...most likely occurring in front of your friends; physical pain; backache from sleeping on the couch, etc., and in most instances varying levels of economic loss, i.e. flowers, jewelry, shopping trip, alimony. Any use of the following tocsin is an omen which shouldn’t be ignored:

“Fine”: This is the word women use to end an argument when they think they’re right, you aren’t listening and need to shut up.

“Five Minutes”: A term which defies the laws of quantum physics and the space-time continuum similar to the space near a black hole. If she’s getting dressed, this means half an hour. Five minutes accompanied by arms being crossed is actually two minutes if you’ve just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

“Nothing”: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. “Nothing” in the presence of tears means “you insensitive bastard, why can’t you read my mind and how could you have [(insert verb such as done, forgotten, looked at, etc.) (insert adjective and noun of choice)]. Arguments which begin with "nothing" usually end in "fine.”

“Go ahead”: This is a dare, not permission. This will most certainly result in severe monetary loss and/or physical damage to one or more of your favorite objects (shirts, vehicles, iPad, etc.). DON’T DO IT!

“Loud Sigh”: This is actually a word, and is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you’re an idiot and wonders why she’s wasting her time standing here arguing with you about nothing. (Refer above for the meaning of "nothing.”) A loud sigh followed by extended silence means you should apologize, give her a big hug or leave the room very quickly. Advanced skills are required for recognition of the appropriate context in which the sigh is utilized.

“That’s OK”: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. "That’s OK" means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you’ll pay for your mistake. A pre-emptive bouquet of flowers can sometimes alleviate some of the retaliatory economic implications.

“Thanks”: A woman is thanking you. Don’t question it. This can be translated to “I can’t believe you actually did what I expected, not what any reasonable person would expect.” When confronted with this verbal trap, just say "you’re welcome" and not another word until spoken to.

“Whatever”: A term similar to “fine” with much more severe consequences. Also used as a more ladylike term in place of several four-letter expletives.

“Don’t worry about it, I’ve got it”: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something a woman has told a man to do several times, but she’s now doing herself. This will later result in a man asking "What’s wrong?" For the woman's response, refer to the definition of “Nothing” above.

An example of an apocalyptic conversation would go something like this:

"Whatever... (Loud sigh), go ahead, that’s OK, It’s really nothing. Don’t worry about it. I’ll take care of it. It’s fine...have fun (you are a dead man)."

Happy Father’s Day!!

Marc “Wiggy” Kovacs - Minister of Manly Mental Metamorphosis