Punish Kids for Classroom Confectionery Contraband?

Disclaimer: The opinions of the author do not pretend to represent the thoughts or actions of any person who routinely engages in the consumption of sweets or confectionary treats, either baked or processed, and in no way is meant to offend parents, teachers or school administrators as a whole. And this most certainly has nothing to do with the r or the Saucon Valley Elementary School. And please take note of the sarcastic, humorous tone...

As a troublemaker, I would like to dedicate my next tutelary tirade and issue a “that-a-boy” to the administrators of our nation’s schools for attempting to fill in as foster guardians for overworked and under-attentive parents and once again save our children from themselves.

As if we don’t have enough problems in our children’s schools...threats of violence, substandard sex-crazed educators, lack of funding and playground tagging to name a few...school officials at many school systems are faced with a new epidemic. Schools throughout the U.S. have become havens for a new black market economy. The product behind this underground trafficking dates back to 10,000 B.C. This readily available common white powder is especially addictive when combined with a cocoa extract originating in the Andes of South America. I speak of none other than sugar and its evil partner cocoa which, when combined, form the product known by the street name, chocolate.

With candy sales banned on a growing number of school campuses, sugar-pushers are popping up like Baltimore Ravens fans the week before Super Bowl XLVII. Instead of being filled with textbooks on global warming, backpacks are filled with birthday Twix, Skittles, Twinkies and caffeine-crammed high-energy drinks, ready to deal a fix to any sweet tooth willing to pay the price.

Economics and the principles behind capitalism are being learned both inside and outside the classroom with kids walking around hallways with cash in their pockets from the sweet-sale of confectionary contraband. Schools have been individually banning junk food sales for years to help combat childhood obesity. Schools have slowly adjusted, offering more healthy alternatives, such as baked chips and granola bars. But what mom packs as a special lunch treat ends up as profit in the pockets of those brave enough to risk losing their stash, spending an afternoon in detention or even being suspended.

One Victorville, California, principal says, “Teachers are instructed to confiscate candy when kids have it in class and the punishment for making sales can be detention. Confiscating candy all the time can be challenging especially around the holidays when students bring more of it to school. But as long as kids can get candy, from the store and at home, they will continue to bring it to school.”

Like something from the NYC Mayor Michael Bloomburg quality of life commission, one school in New Haven, Connecticut stepped up its war on sugar. A few years ago, an eighth-grade honors student, Michael Sheridan, was stripped of his title as class vice president, barred from attending an honors student dinner and suspended for a day after buying a bag of Skittles from a classmate.

The New Haven school system banned candy sales in 2003 as part of a wellness policy enacted by the New Haven school district. Sheridan stated he did not realize his candy purchase was against the rules, but he did notice the student selling the Skittles was being secretive. An administrator busted Michael with the candy in his pocket. His mother says the student who sold him the Skittles was also suspended. After receiving national attention, the school administrators caved to public pressure like a New York politician and cleared both Skittles scofflaws’ records. Sheridan was also restored to his student council post.

What can be done to combat this plague of Peanut Butter cups, bane of Baby Ruths and scourge of Snickers? Are the manufacturers of these sugary treats conspiring to doom this young generation to a lifetime battle against disease, much like the cigarette industry did to Baby Boomers? Should they be held accountable, like McDonald’s with their steaming hot coffee? Why should today’s parents have the responsibility to teach Milky Way moderation? Heaven forbid our children get some exercise to burn off the occasional Oh Henry. If school boards, teachers and administrators cannot teach our children self-control and discipline, who will?

Marc “Wiggy” Kovacs - Commentator of Complacent Confectionary Concern