Eyebrows

Monday, July 20, 2015

Today I am grateful for eyebrows. But what happened to mine? They used to be nice and soft and lay flat to my forehead and only a moderate amount of plucking was necessary. Now I need a chain saw and Hair Club for Men all at the same time.

I got out the magnifying mirror yesterday, put it on the kitchen table where the light is best, gathered the “gardening” tools and groomed, like an orangutan in the zoo. It was not pretty. I didn’t say I wasn’t pretty, I said the process was not pretty.

When did my eyebrows turn into Chia pets? And go bald? They used to gracefully extend to the exact spot where they were supposed to end to frame my eye. I barely had to use a pencil on them. Now they disappear almost at the pupil and without a pencil I look like a bad cartoon. What’s up with that? If it gets much worse I’m going to have to color them in with a sharpie. Good think I like coloring.

The hairs that do exist are like a wire brush, boinging out every which-a-way, making me look perpetually startled. And some of those hairs are white. White. That’s just wrong. If I yank them out I’ll have nothing, so I grab a small clipper, little comb, tweezers and chain saw and go at them, trying to beat them into submission.

Too much information? Yeah, okay, you’re probably just too young to read this. Wait. Just you wait until your eyebrows betray you and go berserk! Then call Hair Club for Men. And me. I’ll walk you through it.

}W/o