Self-Doubt

Friday, May 30, 2014

Today I am grateful for self-doubt.  Oh boy.  She finally snapped.   Aren’t these little missives supposed to be inspirational?  What on earth is inspiring about self-doubt? Don’t most of us spend our lives struggling with self-doubt?  What’s good about it?  Who in her right mind would be grateful for self-doubt?  Me.

Even the most confident people in the universe occasionally have self-doubt.  I’m no different.   Sometimes when I least expect it self-doubt creeps out of the silent spot where it’s stored in my insides and climbs into my consciousness.   It doesn’t linger politely and quietly.  No, not self-doubt.  There is nothing subtle about self-doubt.  It makes a racket.  It’s as noisy and persistent as the bags of Lays Sour Cream & Cheddar potato chips on the shelf at the Shop Rite that won’t shut up when I stand in front of them as though they were a shrine.  I ignore their pleading screams to buy them and move on.  Self-doubt is not put off that easily.  It refuses to be ignored.

On my way to lunch with some great, new women friends, I was struggling with self-doubt about blogging.  I set a goal for myself to write a gratitude a day for a year.  That was last July.  I’m almost there.  No job I ever had has given me as much joy as this writing has. Yet I wondered. Have I overstayed my welcome?  Should I just stop writing them?  Could I?  Do people ever read them?  Are accolades or approval the reason I’m writing them?  Am I boring?  Preachy?  Annoying?  I was self-flagellating like a medieval cleric.  By the time I arrived at the restaurant, I was worked into a state, but I’m a good actress, too, so you couldn’t tell.  Wacky people are like that.  I’m like that.

We sat down, ordered and chatted about silly stuff.  Then a woman I’ve only met a few times said, “Ever since I learned about your blog I’ve been reading it every day!  Even my husband says. . .’Well, what’s she grateful for today?”  Bing!  Heartprint!  I briefly explained to her how much that meant to me because I had been struggling with self-doubt.  What there wasn’t the opportunity to tell her was that her words remind me of my favorite Maya Angelou quote, “. . .they’ll never forget how you made them feel.”  I won’t forget.  Self-doubt got chased back to its quiet place.

I know that some of you used to read these every day and now not so much.  You don’t always have time.  I get it.  It’s okay.  No pressure.  They are always there and when you need encouragement, or a chuckle, poke through archives and you’ll find just the one you need at exactly the right moment.

I know that some people have just learned about these gratitude posts.  I know not each post will speak to each person.  I don’t have aspirations to conquer the world situation.  Okay, that’d be nice, but really I only hope to throw positive energy into an otherwise chaotic, negativity-driven universe.   I don’t write them with high expectations.  I write them because I can’t NOT write them.  I have to write them.  I’m driven to write them.  I want to write them.  I love writing them.

My self-doubt was short-lived and is now tamped right back down where it should be. . .silent. . .and waiting to emerge at another time to test me and force me to analyze my decisions.  It is a mirror-selfie that makes me look within.  Then I get a “reply”, or a “like”, or a “comment”, or a kind word from someone like I did today and I’m as refreshed as though I hit the icon on the keyboard for a re-boot. 

I know that I am exactly where I’m supposed to be, doing exactly what I’m supposed to be doing.  Sharing with you is like preparing for an Academy Award.  Whether I get the statue or not, hear from you or not, it’s nice to be in the running.  I’m grateful that self-doubt appeared and I’m grateful I wrestled it down.  It feels good to send it hi-tailing outta here so I can be a believer again. In myself.