Toiletology 101

Toiletology 101 is a short course I’ve developed to enlighten consumers about ear-covering and eye-squinting habits in the bathroom. The course covers everything from spray patterns and bowel-movement tendencies to the capture of natural light to bathe our favorite bathroom fixture. Imagine the warmth and natural rays of the sun in mid-January hitting just the right spot during your daily ritual. Yes, this is why I enjoy my profession!

Too often my profession is viewed as “fluffy and pretentious.” Regardless, I love what I do since one of my jobs as an interior designer is putting a smile on a client‘s face when they perform everyday routines.

Take a toilet, for example. Yes, that porcelain throne known to many of us by various names: crapper, john, can, latrine and our own office. It’s that thing that we notice only when it’s not working. Yet, this indispensable porcelain chamber gets overlooked when bathroom remodeling takes place. And you might ask, “Well, is that anything to get excited about?“ Absolutely! If I told you I could choose a potty that could make your eyes roll in disbelief, you might reconsider choosing what’s in aisle 7 at the home improvement store.

Leave it to serious crapper experts like me who spend days researching the perfect loo for my discriminating client.

Case study #1  Subject: Male in his late 40’s, tall and slender. Needs: a new master bathroom and an updated powder room. Important Task: Address the subject of toilets. Conversation leads to rituals (habits) in the bathroom --thought going through my mind: and people think interior designers are pillow fluffers--things to consider when designing the perfect setting for this male. Say no more. Out spills my favorite dinnertable talk of toiletology 101. Mr. Case Study #1 gets an ear full. Not only can I spec you the perfect toilet I’m going to change the way you look at toilets. Forever!

For Case study #1 it's all about the height and design details of the fixtures. I suggest a toilet with clean lines and a no-nonsense persona. Austere looks. But he's adamant about the rim and tank detail of the toilet for his master bathroom. "Every time I walk into my bathroom, I want my toilet smiling at me," he argues. I smile, thinking that he's already projecting a daily dialogue with his environment.

I continue with my case by cautioning him that smiling toilets -- those with extra profile details -- increase the surface area and the time and effort to clean. No matter. He bonds with the harder-to-clean toilet -- a $500 model that will be his companion. My dream toilet? One that smiles from rim to rim and repeats in harmony with the tune, “You’ll never have to brush me again.” Regardless, Toiletology 101 has already brought a smile to HIS face.

I proceed to chat with my client about my own toilet-seat spring cleaning event. And it is an event, starting with removing the seat by unscrewing the bolts, which can get nasty even with daily cleaning, that attach them to the bowls. Then sterilization, followed by fence drying, and then the gleaming seat(s) back on the bowls. I lose my audience here. I change the subject to state-of-the-art toilets that can almost take the place of a medical assistant.

These toilets provide urine analysis, they take the user’s blood pressure and body temperature and can weigh the user with a built-in floor scale. But if health maintenance isn’t a priority, a consideration for a model with an occupied-seat sensor, hygienic cleansing, plasma cluster technology and pre-programmed relaxing music while conducting business might just be in order.

This blog could continue into Toiletology chapters but I’ll keep it short and simple.  Case Study #1 compromised. He chose the convoluted profile that spoke to him for his master bathroom: comfortable in height, one powerful flush and priced under $500. He opted for an aisle #7 toilet for his powder room: comfortable in height and easy to clean for everyone else to enjoy!