Heyl: New Kennywood Cuisine Could Irk Potato Patch Preservationists

The culinary implications at Kennywood are ominous.

The iconic family amusement park in West Mifflin opened for the season Saturday without the new roller coaster that has been rumored to be coming for years. The most significant addition to the park this year appears to be new snack items that should make people as nervous as a first-time rider on the Phantom’s Revenge.

Kennywood did a menu makeover at the Snack-A-Saurus, the six-year-old refreshment stand in the heart of Kiddieland. In doing so, it teamed with an outfit called bean sprouts cafe, a restaurant chain that spells its name in lower-case letters because that’s apparently how hipsters roll.

The Snack-A-Saurus is about to begin offering entrees (served with organic applesauce or veggie tots) that would make most children recoil in horror. Do you know any kid who, on a magical, memory-making trip to Kennywood, would beg his or her parents for a heaping helping of avocado hummus and veggie dippers? Or ask for a sandwich of some hormone- and antibiotic-free meat and cheese?

Of course you don’t.

Kids have something in common with adults when they visit Kennywood. They don’t want to eat healthy. They want to enjoy some artery-hardening Potato Patch fries smothered in gooey nuclear cheese. They want an ice cream cone dipped in chocolate and rolled in crushed sprinkles or peanuts at the Golden Nugget. They want a foot-long hot dog or a hot sausage sandwich with onions and peppers from the Pagoda.

That’s why adults shouldn’t shrug off the Snack-A-Saurus makeover as the park admirably trying to offer healthier eating options for kids. Because if Kennywood starts thinking healthy is the way to go in Kiddieland, how long before that chilling mindset works its way to other snack stands around the park?

Let us speculate.

It's 2020. After a wild ride on the Thunderbolt, Steve and Mindy decide to hit the Potato Patch.

“Know what you want yet, Mindy?”

“I’m not sure, Steve. Do you maybe want to split a leek and potato galete with pistachio crust?”

“I’m not a big fan of pistachio.”

“But Steve, the pistachio creates a more complex, substantial dough that complements the leeks for the galetes.”

“Maybe we could get an order of roasted potato fingerlings?”

“With the preserved lemon dip?”

“I was thinking more the chive pesto.”

“Hmmm….Steve, what about the gluten-free scalloped potatoes with caramelized fennel?”

“Sign says they’re out of it.”

“The crispy potato salad with chilies, celery and peanuts?”

“No thanks. I don’t want those chilies talking back to me when we’re on the Jack Rabbit.”

“You know, Steve, I really miss the old days when the only potato items you could get at the Potato Patch were fries.”

“I do too, Mindy, but kudos to Kennywood for ditching those greasy fries in favor of healthier fare. What do you think about an order of steamed mussels with small potatoes and linguica?”

Eric Heyl is Patch's Pittsburgh field editor. Reach him at Eric.Heyl@Patch.com or 412-334-4033.

Photo by Jeremy Thompson via Creative Commons.