Confidence: Yes I can!

Culture today, especially the part of it surrounding kids, is overwhelmingly concerned with nurturing self-confidence. From the youngest of ages, everybody in a sports league is awarded with a trophy. Children are told how special they are. Parents, teachers, coaches: they are all concerned with bolstering a child’s self-esteem and sending the message “you can do anything.”

Why, then, do kids have such a tough time believing those words? All too often, children presented with a new challenge or a task that is harder than expected back off with a muttered “I can’t do that” or “I’m not good enough.”

It’s important to nip that attitude in the bud because confidence, the feeling that you can rely on something or someone (in this case, yourself), is critical to long-term life success. School, college, and employment will all test a person’s belief in her ability to be successful. Learning skills and facts aren’t enough. You have to believe you have the ability to use them.

As parents, how do we teach our children to be confident? It’s not as simple as repeating, “You can do it” because kids are smart. They’ll see right through words. But while you’re repeating the words, you can back it up with actions that will help your child realize you mean what you say: he really can do it.

How? Here are some tips.

1. Praise the effort. A lot of compliments directed at kids involved fixed characteristics that don’t involve effort as much as they do with the personal. Phrases such as “you’re so pretty,” or “you’re so smart,” praise a fixed point, a personal characteristic. There’s nothing wrong with that, but it’s important to also praise a child’s work in attaining a goal or make progress. For example, your child brings home an “A” grade on a test he’s worked hard to study for. Instead of merely praising intelligence, (“An A – you’re super smart!”) praise the effort he put into achieving that A (“You worked really hard for that a test and it paid off. Great job!”). When you praise the effort, and not just a characteristic, kids learn that challenges are something to be overcome, not feared.

2. Pick positive people. The attitudes of those we hang around with tend to be catching. If your child is constantly surrounded by people who say, “I can’t do that” when presented with a goal or challenge, chances are she’ll do the same, if for no other reason than to fit in. To combat this, seek out “can do” people, those who believe they can conquer challenges with hard work and a plan. This might be other kids, but it might also be tutors, coaches, teachers, or other adults. Children learn by example. If the example being set is one of “I can accomplish my goal, I just need to work harder,” it is more likely that attitude will rub off on your child and her confidence will increase.

3. Put him to work. Many parents don’t give their kids jobs, or chores, because they are afraid the kids can’t perform or will be demoralized by failure. But it is almost always possible to give a child a job that is age-appropriate and has a good chance of a positive outcome. Small children can put away toys or dirty clothes in a hamper. Children who are a bit older can set the dinner table or load the dishwasher. Each time these jobs are successfully accomplished, your child’s confidence will get a boost. As he gets older, and his confidence and skills increase, look for successively harder, yet still attainable, jobs to do. As the complexity increases and the successes mount up, he will learn to have confidence in his ability to overcome a challenge through hard work.

4. Set a goal. Working continuously without an end point is tough. How do you measure success? How do you know when you’re done? Well, maybe you know – but it’s hard to measure. On the other hand, setting achievable goals (SMART goals) puts an end point on something, providing a definitive way of knowing when you are finished and successful. To find a meaningful goal, work with your child and ask her what she’s interested in learning. When she tells you, make up a plan to achieve the goal. Maybe it will involve taking a weekly class at a community center, or private lessons, or even daily practice. Whatever it is, come up with what is needed to achieve the goal and help her make a plan for success.

5. Show him the results. It’s easy to argue with a statement like “You’re so pretty” because it’s subjective and intangible. Who defines pretty? How do you know when you’ve achieved it? On the other hand, things you can look at or hold are difficult to argue with. When your child gets down on himself, saying, “I can’t do it, I’m stupid,” show him the As on his last report card. If she doesn’t believe she can make the school soccer team, show her the trophy she won at a tournament. These physical reminders are great for reminding kids of past successes, and helping them believe they can repeat that success.

Nobody wants a kid who is over-confident and thinks he can do anything just by saying so. However, nobody likes the alternative either – a child who doesn’t believe he can be successful at anything. By using some easy, basic skills, we can help our kids nurture the confidence that will get them through the challenges and set backs life is sure to dish out.

Oakmont Martial Arts licensed by the American Taekwondo Association, the premier North American organization dedicated to the martial arts discipline of taekwondo. They offer training for young children (Tiny Tigers, 3-5), youth (6-13), teens and adults, as well as adult fitness classes. Visit www.OakmontMartialArts.com or their Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/ataOakmont) for more information, or call 412-826-8004 to schedule an introductory lesson.

A software technical writer by day, Mary Sutton is the mother of two teens and has been making her living with words for over ten years. She is the author of the Hero’s Sword middle-grade fantasy series, writing as M.E. Sutton, and The Laurel Highlands Mysteries police-procedural series, writing as Liz Milliron. Visit her online at www.marysuttonauthor.com.