Loyalty

Think of your favorite heroes and chances are you would describe them as being loyal. They are true blue, dedicated to something, or someone. A soldier is loyal to his country and his fellow soldiers. Friends are loyal to each other. Even comic book superheroes are loyal to the ideas of truth and justice, if not a particular country.

Loyalty is often defined as being dedicated to a person, thing, or idea. When you are loyal to someone, you care about her and you are willing to stick up for her. If you are loyal to an idea, like freedom, you are willing to stand up for that idea and defend it.

But people, especially kids, often confuse true loyalty with not snitching on a friend. This “code of silence” happens when members of a group refrain from calling out members for individual actions.

However, the “code of silence” isn’t necessarily loyalty. When we stand back and allow others to break the rules, or engage in behavior that might hurt them, we aren’t being loyal. It might seem like it, because going to a grown up might feel like tattling. But if you are really committed to someone, you want the best for her. And allowing her to get in trouble—or do something dangerous—isn’t what’s best.

So how do you teach kids the real meaning of loyalty? Here are a few tips.

1. Define what loyalty is. Defined simply, loyalty is being faithful and committed to something or someone. If you are committed, you will work actively to promote the idea or stand behind the person. If you are faithful, you are saying you believe in the person or idea. But loyalty isn’t just for others. We need to show it to ourselves and our values. That means if one of our values is telling the truth, and we discover a friend in a lie, our loyalty calls us to speak against the lie. And really, if we are loyal to our friend, we want the best for him. And that means helping him see that lying is wrong. By telling them, “It’s wrong to lie. I’m going to have to tell the truth,” we are helping them become better people by teaching them what is right, even when doing right is hard.

2. Define what loyalty isn’t. The “code of silence” is not loyalty. Knowing your friend is doing something wrong—lying, stealing, cheating—and not saying anything does not help your friend. And it doesn’t help you. What’s important to understand is that correcting the action does not mean you have betrayed the person. You’re actually being more loyal because you’re helping them be better. It’s also important to know that you doing have to wait until the action is taken to offer a course correction. Step in as soon as you see him starting to veer off the path. For example, if your friend says, “I want a chocolate bar, but I don’t have the money so I’ll just sneak it,” take the opportunity to try and persuade him to do the right thing. That is showing loyalty to your friend and an idea (honesty and integrity). That’s what real friends do. They help; they don’t just stay quiet and turn the other way.

3. Reward loyal acts. It’s hard to be loyal because it often means going against the crowd. In school, it’s easy to dismiss old friends to get in with the “popular” crowd. It’s easy to join in when the crowd is making fun of another person. Or when the crowd wants to do something wrong, like shoplift to show their level of “cool.” Standing up and saying “that’s wrong” can cost kids friends and cause a lot of heartache. Be sure to recognize when your child makes the tough choice. This recognition doesn’t have to be something amazing. Simply saying, “that was a tough choice, but you did the right thing. I’m proud of you” is usually sufficient. Because kids want approval and they like to feel strong, praising their courage in making the tough call, and knowing they’ve gained the good-will of the adults they admire, will encourage them to make true loyalty into a lifelong habit.

Being a loyal person sometimes means making tough choices. Practice with hypothetical situations and listen to your child’s ideas. Pretty soon, she’ll learn how to be a loyal person with good character—even when that means making a decision that goes against the crowd.

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Oakmont Martial Arts licensed by the American Taekwondo Association, the premier North American organization dedicated to the martial arts discipline of taekwondo. They offer training for young children (Tiny Tigers, 3-6), youth (6-13), teens and adults, as well as adult fitness classes. Visit www.OakmontMartialArts.com or their Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/ataOakmont) for more information, or call 412-826-8004 to schedule an introductory lesson.

A software technical writer by day, Mary Sutton is the mother of two teens and has been making her living with words for over ten years. She is the author of the Hero’s Swordmiddle-grade fantasy series, writing as M.E. Sutton, and The Laurel Highlands Mysteriespolice-procedural series, writing as Liz Milliron. Visit her online at www.marysuttonauthor.com.