Survival Guide for AA+ America

 The First Rule of AA+ America: Calisthenics

You'll want to be limber, because the markets won't be.

So Washington's callin' you fat? Well I ain't down with that! Who's heard of a business job going to the most qualified, or the most sage of economic mind? They go to the gunners, the ones who are seemingly in more places than one. Power tie, pressed suite, slicked hair and - yes - well-stretched and fit. To get a job in AA+ America, you're going to have to chase it down. Literally. So strap on your iPod armband (may I suggest Cash Rules Everything Around Me?) and get to training. P90X is a lot easier than your 1040A.

The Second Rule of AA+ America: Be a Carpenter

 Sell your stock to 70s smooth rock.

Obviously, I'm kidding. This has nothing to do with Karen and Rich Carpenter and their sweet, sweet music. I mean take up the trade! Be the solution to the problem. I've heard that all of this economic free-fall had something to do with our hesitation to raise a ceiling. A ceiling? You can do that, you're a carpenter! It's a noble profession, too. You've got Jesus...and Norm Abrams! Both had righteous beards, one could turn water into wine and I'm pretty sure the other could make water out of pine.

The Third Rule of AA+ America: Tax Shelters

Because bomb shelters are SO Cold War.

A stitch in time saves nine, but a loophole in tax code saves millions! Find some places to bury that money so the evil government can't waste your dollars on liberal frivolities like roads, health care, social security, and job creation. My suggestion? Set up an offshore company on one of the many sandbars off Sea Isle City, NJ. To my understanding, that's off-shore enough. Bury your money there in a treasure chest and draw yourself a map to get back to it. It's only legitimate, however, if your map is on aged parchment and the line back is dotted. Don't blame me, blame the Jester of Tortuga (IRS Commissioner, 2010 to present).

The Fourth Rule of AA+ America: Get Elected

Yes We Can? No. Yes I Can. This is an election, not a Little League team.

You think those Washington elite have the market cornered on elections? Well...maybe they do, but all indices are saying the market's going to collapse so you're golden! All you need to do is get on the ballot. Now in Philadelphia, that doesn't take much - sometimes you don't even have to be living, which is good because this economy will kill you. But should you wind your way onto the ballot, you'll be in prime position to take down Chaka Fattah. The last time his office showed up to anything, he was marrying a local newswoman. Can you say scandalous? Yes, but only for a short time, then the media leaves you alone and everyone will forget you're pure evil (see: John Street, Professor of Political Science at Temple University).

We might make it back, just like Australia did in 2003 after S&P dashed their dreams in 1986. In a swift 17 years, should you choose to heed my advice, you too could find yourself skilled at long pipe instruments and masterful at swimming. I know it sounds a lot like 2009 Michael Phelps, but I promise you it's the bright future of the 2028 United States of China.