Why It's Due Time to Stop Comparing Yourself to Other Moms

You probably do it too, but may not be aware of how harmful it can be to you and your loved ones. I’m not talking about eating raw pork or sunbathing without sunscreen. I’m talking about comparing yourself to other women. There’s nothing worse, especially when you become a mom. Comparing myself to other moms brings out the Reality-TV-style-drama-queen side of me that, in the moment, I secretly hope only my husband gets the pleasure of seeing. I become a sleep-deprived, whiny woman who isn’t fun to be around. And it’s not good for your kids either.

Well into the premiere trimester of my first pregnancy, I’d look down at my circa 1999 boot cut jeans with a rubber band tied around the button-fly waist and think, “Oh, boy, this isn’t going to hold out much longer.” Back then, we hardly had enough extra money to pay for on-the-street parking, let alone buy top-quality “office-appropriate” maternity clothes. (I was inconveniently pregnant with my first child before Target’s maternity line came about.)  I’d see all the stylish young moms-to-be strutting around downtown Seattle wearing expensive designer maternity suits and stress out when I couldn’t find one that cost less than what my husband and I were paying out on a monthly basis to rent our  one-bedroom apartment in Queen Anne. I was excited about being pregnant, but didn’t realize the harm I was doing by second-guessing my decisions so early on.

These types of questions would start swimming through my pregnant head:

Will other moms look down on me because the stroller we received as a shower gift resembles a grocery cart (and nothing close to what Demi used for her babies)?

Will my child be an under achiever because I didn’t start playing Baby Mozart for him while in the womb?  

How many more weeks can I stretch my basic black elastic waist-band skirt until it pops?

When it came to a delivery plan, I once again started to second guess my choices based on what other mothers around me (and in popular baby magazines) were doing. Although I admired women like Ricki Lake who had a natural birth, I had an incredibly challenging first birth experience (including an emergency surgery), which meant a natural childbirth was out of the question. I didn’t realize I’d be judged by other women for this. And these were women who weren’t even my friends! They were women I’d met casually through birthing class, at the office, at in line at BabyGap. “Excuse me for not wanting to DIE in childbirth,” I’d think to myself. And because of the trauma, I was not physically able to nurse. Lord knows I caught flack for that. I loved my new little guy, all 8 pounds of him. But I always ended up feeling like somehow, I wasn’t doing the right thing. What good does this kind of mental game-playing do for anyone?

Other questions I tortured myself with:

Maybe that mom on TV was right, pacifiers are bad for babies. Should I let him cry it out and just hope he finds his thumb? (I gave in and gave him the paci not long after, by the way. And yes, he was addicted! But, thank goodness, not anymore!)

Will my baby suffer if I give him a teething ring made out of plastic rather than organic material?  

What if I don’t always give him all natural food, will he have an unhealthy life!?

Eleven years and two children later, I’ve had my fair share of re-thinking my decisions on everything from potty training to play date methods. I’ve known women with 19-month-olds who could direct their urine stream perfectly into a Cheerio target inside those cute little portable potties. (While my toddler would be content in a Pull-Up.) At the time, I thought I was a failure for not training my little one at two.  I couldn’t accept the fact that my child wasn’t ready to be trained at two, and that by three, be just fine.

Through the years, I’ve learned to stop listening to the noise and go with what works for me. Oh, I still enjoy learning from the noise, and giggling here and there. But I find that the more confidence I have in what works for me and my kids, and the less I compare myself to other women, the better we all are. I’d rather laugh and whine with other moms and celebrate our imperfections. It’s a heck of a lot more fun!

Jackie Hennessey is a mommy blogger, PR consultant and author of the gift book, How to Spread Sanity on a Cracker, which is available at Barrington Books, Hollies, Amazon.com and other venues. Stop by www.ventingsessions.com to hear more about her imperfect journey through motherhood. Jackie lives in Barrington, Rhode Island, with her husband, two kids and Golden Retriever puppy who she often refers to as her third child.

Jackie is writing a second book and welcomes your MOMMY INSANITY STORIES & DESSERT RECIPES. The deadline is August 31! Could your story or dessert recipe be in Jackie’s next book? Contact her today at jackie@ventingsessions.com.