Missing a Lost Loved One on Halloween

When someone you love dies, how long should you grieve? I learned this a long time ago, but some people will never understand: Until you are done. That is the answer. As time goes by, everyone else has moved on. You are still in a state similar to suspended animation. It could be a song, a scent, a movie or a holiday, but sometimes, even multiple times daily, there are reminders of your loss.

Some days you feel like every little thing will make you cry. Some days you wake up and realize you went a whole day without crying or the pain of loss. Some days, you can’t make yourself get out of bed.

Sometimes, something that once gave you peace and solace, can now be the thing that gives you pain. Then you feel the pain double, because you lost that as well. What do you do? You let yourself feel the pain, and then you keep going, taking one day at a time.

It is not easy. But that in itself, is a testament to the love you felt for the one you lost. If you never loved, you would never feel pain or loss. But that is no way to live. So you love, and you feel pain. One day, you will begin to smile when you think of your loved one, and eventually the crying subsides, and gets replaced by happy memories. Some people get there quickly. Others, it takes a while. The important thing is not to let anyone else tell you when you should be done.

This weekend, my son celebrated his seventh birthday. On the way to pick up his cake, I started thinking about birthday parties which let to thoughts of Halloween parties, I guess because some of his friends wanted to come in thier costumes. I thought of my daughter Alicia who passed at Christmas last year, and remembered how much she loved getting dressed up for Halloween. At Meeting Street School, they always had a parade and the kids who dressed up went to every classroom. My mother and Alicia always had fun picking out her costume and showing it off. Her favorite was the skeleton. We never thought she would deal with the mask, but one look in the mirror and had a laughing fit.  So on my way to the store, I cried my eyes out. I thought about how much she loved birthday cake, and cried some more.

Who’d have thought my sons birthday celebration could turn into such a trauma.  But that is the way grief works. No warning, just in your face pain. If I had tried to stuff that all inside and not feel the pain, I would have been a ticking time bomb the rest of the day. With a house full of screaming 6-8 year old kids. Not a great plan. So I let it out. Probably looked like hell at the store, but by the time I got home, the pain was more of a dull ache, and I could manage that.

There have been many days like that over the last 10 months since she passed. But the only other option was not to have loved her, and that is not possible. So I will probably continue with my sudden outbursts of tears. I will try to do it privately, but sometimes situations do not allow that. If you see my driving down the road, tears streaming down my face, do not be alarmed, its just me loving and missing my little girl with all my heart. Someday, unfortunately, everyone will understand in their own way.