Sometimes You Just Need A Day Off

I have a friend who recently went through a divorce after 20 or so years of marriage.  I know divorce is hardly a topic for February, which is typically the month of love and lots of images of hearts and cupids and chocolates and flowers and romantic dinners.  But bear with me here. 

As a result of the divorce, my friend moved to her own apartment and she and her soon-to-be-ex-husband shared custody of their teenaged son.  I happened to be at her place during a weekend that her son was with his Dad, and over lunch, I asked her if it was weird to not have her son around all the time.  And she said that while at first it really was, it was on these weekends while her son was away that she remembered herself.  Remembered that she liked to read, and draw and listen to music.  She rested when she was tired.  She ate food she liked when she was hungry.  And all of this was very nice.

Now this might not sound like much to many, but to me, the concept was incredible.  My kids are 3 ½ and almost 2.  And even though we have wonderful folks who help to care for them, the idea that I’d ever have a whole day off to be at home and be me, not have to worry about the kids or rush to pick them up from somewhere, not have to plan when they ate and when they rested, and generally not have to be concerned about them on the whole, even for a short period of time, seemed impossible. 

Adam and I both work a lot.  Besides running the yoga studio, I also do a fair amount of hotel real estate consulting.  Adam is a litigation attorney, and as they say, “the law is a jealous mistress.”   We are really really busy.  But you know what?  We are fortunate that we can say for sure that we love what we do.  And we love our kids and take our roles as parents both very seriously and very lightly.  Our kids are wonderful teachers and without question, we get far more than we ever give to them. 

But sometimes, we just want to sleep late.  I was not a young Mom.  I had a whole life before we had kids.  And sometimes, yes, I will say it: I miss that freedom.  I miss being able to stop somewhere for dinner and not worry if I have enough diapers.  I miss having to be sure someone is taking care of the kids if I want to go to the gym.  I miss not having to hide the cookies.  I miss having time to doodle, to rest, to see what I feel like doing today. 

While I wouldn’t change a thing about my life as it is, and I am so grateful to have these kids and this husband and to live in this great town and be a part of this community, I realized that maybe I could add a little space into our lives as individuals.  Maybe we could do for each other what my friend and her now ex-husband were doing.  (Except we could skip the getting divorced part!)

So when I left my friend’s place that day, I called Adam and suggested that he take a day off.  Like, for real.  A day to move and be however he wanted.  No lawyering, no Daddy-ing.  Not even any husbanding.  Just him, being him in whatever way he wanted to be him.  I’d take the kids out of the house, and he could watch golf all day if he wanted, or he could sleep all day if he wanted, or whatever he wanted to do and he didn’t have to run an errand, or check in with me, or change a single poopy diaper. 

As you might imagine, he agreed. 

We decided we’d offer one another a full 24-hours, once per month to have an official “Day Off.”  We’d schedule it just like anything else we had to do, and we’d be firm on our commitment to giving this time to one another.  One month he would get the day off, and the next month, I would.  We’d go back and forth. 

On Adam’s first Day Off, he golfed 18 holes with friends, and then spent some time just hanging out with those friends, watching sports or something.  I don’t even know.  But when I got home with the kids, he was happy, rested, and he missed us.  On my first Day Off, I slept late.  I went to Alayne White Spa.  I took a yoga class, I took a nap.  I had lunch at the Beehive.  I took another nap.  It was lovely.

For us, part of loving each other is giving each other space to be ourselves.  We have a beautiful life and lot of responsibility.  But we also have our individuality – our own sense of self that isn’t defined by our roles in this family.

On my day off, I was telling another woman I met about Adam and I giving each other Days Off.  She told me that maybe if she and her husband had done that she wouldn’t have ended up in divorce also.  Maybe.  Who knows? I do know that while I look forward to celebration days like Valentine's Day, I also really look forward to my Days Off.