Culture Teaches Bullying Even As Adults Warn Against It

The topic of 'bullying' has certainly been in the spotlight recently. Special emphasis has been placed on the bullying of 'gays' – especially since tragic consequences have ensued. Without question there is much to be alarmed of here. My concern is that in the effort to address 'bullying' we will settle for quick fixes (and not seek out root causes).

Policies will be written. Seminars will be offered. School assemblies will abound and trained bullying specialists will visit our schools to teach kids whatever kind of stuff such folk teach. Perhaps some of this will stick. Hopefully some of it will have an impact. But, much much more will be needed to address a very serious and complicated concern. Beware the Procrustean Bed of mandated Bullying programs.

In a culture inhabited by individuals who watch one judge in particular humiliate contestants on a show titled American Idol we wish to stop bullying. When another long standing TV show Survivor rewards its participants who conspire with and against each other to win, we expect to create policies to, again, tackle bullying.
Pay attention to how our political leaders conduct campaigns filled with distortions, vitriol and blind party loyalty and ask yourself who are the bigger bullies the kids or the adults.

The fact of the matter is that in many ways bullying has become a part of our culture – entertainment, politics and sports (we've long endured the likes of Bobby Knight, John McEnroe and Dennis Rodman throwing chairs, screaming at officials and taunting opponents) all have bullies who have gotten away with taunts, deceit, and obnoxious behavior. We have rewarded those who bully others.

With all of this being said, I find it difficult believing that policies and workshops geared towards kids (only) will provide the results we are looking for. Until we begin looking at how we treat each other along with why some have a need to marginalize, minimize and demonize those who espouse different points of view, bullies of many forms will continue to present themselves.

Kids, especially adolescents, are constantly striving to be like the adults. While most adults model appropriate behavior there are those who wind up sending mixed messages to young people by saying one thing and doing another. We all know adults who drive home (sometimes with their kids in the car) after having a few too many at a neighborhood cookout.

We also know that on occasion there are coaches who berate and intimidate kids as part of their practice. These are but a few of the instances where adults model behavior that they would cringe at if their kids adopted. Often those who exhibit these behaviors can justify them. Unfortunately, this occurs with adults when it comes to bullying. They sometimes worry about the sty in ones eye when a log is jutting from their own. This is a big problem. In fact, to really get serious about bullying we'll have to address that which we model to kids. Basically, we really should be creating a host of adult anti-bullying programs.

It's great that schools have developed a heightened awareness of bullying concerns, many of these initiatives are well crafted and offered to students by caring and competent adults. While all of this is wonderful, in many ways, it is not complete. Setting aside a class, having a few assembly programs, writing some policies and establishing support groups are all just pieces of a puzzle.

Until we begin to value character as much as test scores problems will ensue. Until we expect kids to exhibit respect bullying will continue. And, until we get to view the differences of others ( in 99% of the cases & except for those differences that infringe upon another group or person's rights) as their unique encounter in the world articles like this one will get written.

While competition can, in many instances, produce much good, our recent emphasis on 'racing to the top' and 'not leaving any child behind' has produced a few unintended consequences. On paper both initiatives have merit. In fact, in practice some good has been produced.

However, stress on teachers to produce test results, unions being viewed as the sole or major reason (teacher unions have however played a part in getting in the way of some positive change) for school failure and additional the politicalization of a major issue, has eroded the public's confidence in our schools. Kerosene, while wet, does not usually put out a fire. In fact, finger pointing and the blame game are cousins of bullying. Perhaps the biggest problem with these latest trends is that schools now have little room for recess – never mind time to help promote critical thought and character.

Now what? Bullying is a pretty big issue. In many ways it's been going on for years. Ethnic minorities, women, members of certain religious organizations and those suffering from mental health issues have all been ridiculed and denied some basic rights over the years. Gays, Muslims, Latinos and a few others are on the hot seat at the moment.

I'm afraid that our present emphasis will be myopic. If we fix our attention on one sub-group we'll be losing focus of a larger picture. There has always been an 'out' group. Whose next? It's anyone's guess. The obvious fact of the matter is that there should be no excluded sub-group. What's so bad about taking advice from thousands of years ago? 'Do unto others as you would have them do unto you"? This philosophy applies to everyone. This belief promotes an open mind. No special programs are necessary. Everyone is included.

Maybe it's time to re-focus on Civics courses. I understand that this is presently being looked at by those who call the shots in education. Great! Maybe it's also time to add recess and drop a few tests. Maybe, just maybe, the time has come when schools are equally rewarded for helping produce good citizens as they are for achieving high test scores. And while all this is going on we can all take a look at what we expect from our political leaders, sports hero's and entertainment industry.

Technology, or our inability to sort out how we are going to adjust to it, has played a role in bullying. Lashing out at others on the internet is quick, easy and takes little courage. In addition, computers and cell phones have changed the dynamics of what relationships are. Distance sometimes can create distortions. Studies and surveys abound detailing the amount of time young people spend texting and on the computer. All of this takes away from face to face interpersonal dynamics.

One thing is for certain – we're not going to stop technological advancement. What we have to do is infuse character, critical thinking and time for in-person contact into the mix. In fact, these should all be a part of our everyday lives.
Giving kids skills is great and necessary. However, I feel it's imperative that change must begin with adults and what they prioritize and model. This can be done by making a few basic and fundamental adjustments.

Finally, as a kid I can recall viewing the musical South Pacific with my mom and dad. The first time I watched it went over my head to some extent. I understood some of the World War II stuff but not much else (something about washing men out of your hair).

Later, one song in particular struck a chord. Perhaps "Some enchanted evening' it will be a reminder that to a large extent how we treat each other is due to our fears as well as to how we are taught.  The lyrics to "You've got to be carefully taught' were controversial at the time. Hopefully they are not as controversial today!

You've got to be taught to be afraid.
Of people whose eyes are oddly made.
And people whose skin is a diff'rent shade.
You've got to be carefully taught.

We are not born hating each other. We learn these lessons over time from those around us. Things learned can have new information and perspectives added. Perhaps now is a time when we all can be carefully taught those values that will chip away at some of the Bullying that's around us each day. Sleep tight Procrustes.