Another George Floyd Question: How Do We Talk To Kids About It?

After George Floyd’s death, Americans took to the streets by the tens of thousands, demanding an end to police brutality and racial inequality. We watched, witnessing a pivotal moment in our country’s history.

Our children are also watching.

Experts agree: Parents should seize this opportunity to have a healthy discussion with their children, regardless of age or skin color — to turn the events into a teachable moment about race and racial inequality.

Having the conversation not only helps parents instill empathy in their kids, but it also gives parents a chance to identify and face their own biases.

“A lot of parents shy away from conversations like this because they have a false assumption they are free of racial biases and oppression,” said Terence Fitzgerald, an associate professor at the University of Southern California’s Suzanne Dworak-Peck School of Social Work. “We would like to think we are not those people.

“But what it boils down to is creating this new frame — to constantly think, act and be aware that there’s a little person watching us at all times.”

Starting A Conversation

A study published last year in the journal Developmental Science found that racial bias can develop in children as young as 4 years old. Another study by the American Academy of Pediatrics showed children can internalize racial bias between the ages of 2 and 4.

The Developmental Science study called children "astute observers of the social world," who will gradually become "attuned to social category labels, social status, and the biases exhibited by family members.”

In other words, children will learn and imitate what they see.

Some experts say parents should be prepared to start the conversation early by acknowledging racial differences and the history of racial inequality in the United States. This way, parents can be honest with their kids and ready to answer their questions.

Before a conversation even takes place, parents should check their own behavior, Fitzgerald said.

Whether it's moving your purse from one side to another or exiting an elevator when you see a person of color approaching, kids are watching you to determine who’s safe and who’s not.

“Think about the role modeling you’ve done — how you may or may not have played a part,” Fitzgerald added.

Deciding when to start having a discussion with your kids about racism can be complicated, as it usually depends on your child’s cognitive abilities and emotional intelligence. While it's up to parents to determine how ready their kids are, conversations about racial inequality can typically start around the preschool years.

It’s possible to start even earlier, according to Ernestine Briggs-King, a psychiatry and behavioral science professor at Duke University School of Medicine.

“You can introduce your toddler, for example, to differences in race and culture by using board books and stories that celebrate diversity,” Briggs-King said.

When starting a conversation with kids, try asking questions first, said Robin Gurwitch, a psychologist and professor also at the Duke University School of Medicine.

Ask kids what they know and what they think about racism. Find out what scares them. Once parents know, they can fill in the gaps and address any misconceptions.

Next, parents should ask their kids how they feel about what they’ve seen or heard.

When talking to his 6-year-old about recent protests, Fitzgerald used the concept of fairness.

“I gave him an example of some slight that happened with his younger brother, then I asked him — how do you feel when things aren’t fair?” he said. “It makes him get really angry, and it makes him feel like he wants to do something about it. For him, it was getting him to understand powerlessness, because that’s how the people protesting feel — powerless. And they’re trying to find a way for others to treat them fairly.”

If you’re still not sure where to start, parents should try reading a book or watching something with their child, then talk about it together.

Parents should also be aware of other teachable moments they can use to spark a discussion with kids.

For example, if you or someone you know says something inappropriate about a person of color, talk to your child about it. Acknowledge it was wrong, and explain to your child there are ways to reflect on mistakes and correct them.

This also teaches kids no one is perfect, Fitzgerald said. There’s always room to grow and learn more about others. It's a concept he calls cultural humility, which he practices with his children.

“We strategize and come up with solutions together,” he added. “This teaches them that slights are emotionally painful to other people, but we should always reflect on what we did and learn from it.”

What Not To Do

Right now, some Americans are frustrated, angry and fed up with a system that’s failed to protect them. It’s a powerful moment in history, resulting in a wide range of emotions for parents and children alike.

How parents talk about what’s happening will influence how their children perceive it.

It’s also possible kids may express newfound fears toward protesters and police officers, Gurwitch said.

First, parents should reassure kids they're doing everything they can to ensure their safety. It's important to not scare young children into not trusting police officers, so explain what needs to change is "the system," or how police do their jobs.

"That's what you talk about — sometimes there are good police officers, sometimes there are ones that don't help others," Gurwitch said. "It doesn't mean police are all bad, but the system is broken and people are protesting and working hard to make sure no one ever has to worry about being treated badly by the police or anyone because of the color of their skin."

Experts also recommend avoiding cultural stereotypes and blanket assurances. Also, don’t invalidate a child’s feelings or shut down their questions — especially the tough, uncomfortable ones.

Fitzgerald said parents should avoid talking from a “colorblind” perspective by telling their kids “the color of your skin doesn’t matter” and “everyone's the same.”

Instead, celebrate diversity and what makes different cultural groups unique.

“Parents mean well when they say this, but it creates a lot of harm psychologically,” he said.

Adversity And Allyship

How do white parents teach their children about allyship? How do parents of color teach their children resilience in the face of adversity?

Briggs-King remembered her father, who had “a real knack” for talking to her about racism.

“He used to tell me I was smart, beautiful, talented and kind,” she said. “He would also say that I could do anything my heart desired and that I would change the world in unimaginable ways.”

Often mixed with these affirmations from her father were the realities of being black in America, and how she would need to work 10 times as hard and be twice as good as her peers to rise to the top.

“My mom would nudge these conversations along by saying, ‘Whatever you choose to do, be the best at it,'” Briggs-King added.

She called these conversations with her parents real-life examples of fighting for equity and social justice. They sparked her curiosity and her “insatiable quest for learning.” They also helped her heal when exposed to the realities of being black in a predominantly white school.

“They provided a roadmap on how to thrive in spite of the obstacles before me,” Briggs-King said. “They were courageous, strong and vigilant about ensuring my life would be better than theirs.”

Parents of color have a particularly challenging task in preparing their children for the realities of racism.

As the mother of two black young men, Briggs-King has frequent conversations with them about why they have to be extra careful going to the mall, hanging out with their friends, or even jogging in the neighborhood.

She teaches her sons how to respectfully respond rather than react if approached by police or others with ill intent — speak slowly and clearly, no sudden movements, put your hands up, let officers know you do not have any weapons that will hurt them.

Navigating this space, according to Briggs-King, also teaches children of color how to respect others, how to proactively fight for change, and when to back down to ensure they live another day.

A powerful video produced by The Cut, which has been viewed nearly 2.2 million times on YouTube, features black parents talking to their children about how to deal with cops.

The message is similar to the one Briggs-King teaches her sons.

"Why would a police officer assume that you did something bad?" one mother asks a teen girl. An emotional pause follows before her tearful answer, "Maybe because of the color of my skin?"

A 2019 article by National Public Radio featured experts offering similar advice to black parents. Teaching children what they have the right to say — and not say — during a traffic stop can be key.

For example, it's fine for kids to give their names to an officer, but once the questions go beyond that, they should immediately ask for two things: a parent and a lawyer.

There's a polite way to make that request that can help keep tensions from escalating, lawyer Patrice James told NPR.

"Say, 'I would feel more comfortable if my parents are here. I would like to call my parent, and I would like to have my lawyer present,'" James said. "Those two things should end the questioning."

But should kids ask the officer if they, in fact, are under arrest? James said no, because they risk talking themselves into an arrest.

"It is so important to stop the questions as quickly as you can and as early in the questioning as you can," she added.

Building this kind of self-esteem starts early. Fitzgerald, a professor at USC, said he also teaches his two young sons they have value, despite what they are shown or told.

“There are certain times when things are done to us because we look different and the world sees us in a particular way, but that doesn’t mean that’s who you are,” Fitzgerald told his son when he walked in on him viewing the nearly nine-minute video of George Floyd’s death. “You have to stand up and stand fast when they try to paint you into that corner.”

To face adversity or become an ally, it comes down to reaffirming and celebrating differences in a positive way.

Fitzgerald suggested teaching older kids the importance of their actions and the words they choose. Older kids should also be taught how to speak up while still being respectful and maintaining friendships. Talk to them about tone and use of humor to diffuse a situation.

For younger kids, Fitzgerald recommended finding scenarios to which kids can relate.

“Why does Superman do what he does?” he said. “He doesn’t have to put on the cape every day. He has no responsibility to anyone but himself, so why does he do it?”

Because Superman has a power that’s useful to others, and by not using it, he becomes part of the problem.

“To ally, partner and champion for those who are unheard or feel powerless, it’s a hard road. You will have to make hard decisions on when to stand up and say something. You may lose friends or become an outsider,” Fitzgerald added. “But what about your responsibility to others and making the world a better place?”

Gurwitch said it won’t work if you tell kids how to be a good ally. Instead, ask them how they want to help. Let them own the process.

The key to creating a lifelong conversation with our kids about racial inequality — one that extends beyond recent events — is continuing to identify those teachable moments.

Doing this is one of the best ways to instill empathy and cultural humility in our children, Fitzgerald said.

“If we can exercise the use of empathy and work with our children on what it is and why we need it,” he added, “this can be your foundation for anything you as a parent put into place.”

Resources For Families

Still not sure where or how to start a discussion with your kids? Try these resources recommended by our experts and other sources.

Books

• "Something Happened In Our Town: A Child's Story About Racial Injustice" by Marianne Celano, Marietta Collins and Ann Hazzard
• “A Terrible Thing Happened” by Margaret Holmes
• The ABCs of Diversity: Helping Kids (and Ourselves!) Embrace Our Differences” by Y. Joy Harris-Smith, Ph.D.
• Children's Books About Race (Time)
• Books That Can Help You Explain Racism And Protest To Your Kids (New York Times)
• 13 Children’s Books About Race And Diversity (PBS)

Websites

• Teaching Tolerance
• EmbraceRace.org
• ChildMind.org
• The National Child Traumatic Stress Network
• UNICEF
• American Psychology Association
• Parent Toolkit

Television/Videos

• Sesame Street Town Hall
• Helping Your Child Cope With Media Coverage of Community Racial Trauma: Tips For Parents