Build Bridges rather than Walls

I would rather build bridges than walls between people. While we need walls for privacy and protection from humanity-at-large, we also need solid bridges between ourselves and valued others. In addition, it is important to build bridges between ourselves and strangers to strengthen our network of relationships

This is what I do to bridge-build. First, I want another to realize that I am friendly and humorous, accepting and non-threatening. Next I follow the “Four L’s” of bridge building:

– LISTEN to what the other is saying. Your initial task is not to tell the other all about yourself but to find out all about the other. This takes time and listening with your heart as well as head. You will need to share things about yourself along the way of the other’s sharing, so that the other does not feel as if the discussion is a monologue instead of dialogue, or that you are trying to hide. Do not confront or disagree with what the other is saying, at least not in the early going, or the other will likely become defensive – and up will go the drawbridge of self-protection and with it the willingness to connect with you. Others are especially sensitive in the early days of testing out whether another is trustworthy.

– LEARN what the other has said. Remembering is a form of caring. If someone has significance to you, you will likely remember what that person says. Remembering can also comfort another, as if she or he is not really alone, but connected with a potential ally. And telling them what you heard them say, assures them that you are truly present to them.

– LIKE what the other says and seems to be. If you dislike what you are hearing, you will not want to enter into connection. And that might be just as well, for both of you. Perhaps the other turns out not to be one with whom you would be comfortable in a relationship of trust and personal sharing. Better to find that out sooner than later. And the way to discover this is through careful listening. If necessary, back out of the conversation carefully, while not appearing to agree with them, when you really do not.

– LOOK for things you have in common. The common is the ground for connecting, for building a relationship. If you are not picking up threads of commonality from what the other is sharing, ask questions, giving hints about your viewpoint. Keep at it until the common is found, then build from there.

Some other things to do:

– Go slow, for relationships take time to grow. They must not be hurried or harried.

– Stay in your comfort zone. Listen to your instincts, guts and heart as well as head. Do not brush aside or deny your feelings, but listen to yourself at every level you can. Like a pilot of a passenger jet, while taking in the skies, continue to attend to all your gauges.

– Respect boundaries. And expect that your boundaries will also be respected. Do not pressure the other or permit being pressured to share what neither of you is ready to share. If the other does not seem to understand what is too personal or not really their business, move back across the fragile bridge between you to your own turf. Be forewarned, for insensitivity is a serious relational danger signal.

– Let the depth of the sharing determine the breadth of the relationship, the pylons the spans. The deeper the sharing, the greater likelihood the bridge will last.