To Forgive Does Necessarily Mean to Reconcile

To forgive is not the same thing as to reconcile. Forgiveness precedes reconciliation, making reconciliation at least possible.

But to forgive does not necessarily mean to reconcile, any more than to forgive necessitates going back to the way things were prior to the wrongdoing and breakdown. To forgive means to let go and let be, to let the past finally become the past, so the future has a chance for new beginnings, freed from the trappings of yesteryear. New beginnings can mean a variety of things, from the eventual reconciliation and restoration of a relationship, to the forming of new relationships, with new persons.

To reconcile is far more difficult than merely to forgive, for it involves re-establishing some level of trust, harmony, and good will between persons. When you work to reconcile with another, you will not end up with the same relationship you had before the breakdown. Rather, it could be either be more distant and diplomatic, or more intense and mature, more sensitive and satisfying.

Sometimes to reconcile means to part on a friendly basis, so that if you should meet again, you will be able at least to smile at one another. And if you don’t meet, you will still wish the other well. For divorced persons to reconcile often means, not remarrying, but finding peace, becoming friendly and at ease with each other. I have seen divorced persons become better friends divorced than they ever were while married. This is especially important when they have children, who need to see real civility between their parents for their own well-being, and their ability to move forward with their lives.

If you seek to reconcile in terms of restoring a relationship, it is harder still. For you cannot reconcile a relationship on your own, without the other being a partner in the process. Reconciliation is the work of both parties, with both parties sharing the responsibility for and work of, restoration.

Reconciliation is a process which begins with the naming and releasing of the pent-up, mostly unexpressed, unprocessed, and unforgiven narrative of their relational history. The process of reconciliation has five stages:

First, there must be the recognition of wrongdoing, including its naming and the acceptance of responsibility. This usually includes both persons in one way or another. With the recognition comes regret on both persons part, regret for what happened, and the granting of the legitimacy of the suffering endured.

Second, there must be the expressed and felt desire to repent, to turn away from prior wrongdoing and toward right-doing. Both persons must seek to renew and restore the relationship.

Third, there must be a willingness to accept the consequences of wrongdoing, as if to say: “I am willing to bear my share of responsibility for what happened, in order to prove my sincerity and desire for reconciliation.” There cannot be an insistence that all the consequences must be cancelled, but rather an agreement that healing will take time and work for both persons.

Fourth, there needs to be an initial forgiveness, so a fresh start, rather like another “at bat” can begin. Forgiveness is a putting aside of the past for the sake of the future. It is today letting go of yesterday in order to reach for a free, clear and open tomorrow.

Fifth, the actual work of reconciling begins. Reconciliation is an offer to be followed by real labor, the work of love rebuilding. Like rebuilding a home, it will take time, but it could be well worth the effort.