Friendships Versus Alliances

Rather than friendships, what we often form are alliances. An alliance may appear to outsiders as a friendship, and may even seem to one or the other person in the relationship as a friendship, but it remains an alliance. Though alliances are valuable, even necessary, they must not be confused with friendships.

The difference between an alliance and a friendship is this: an alliance is an association entered into for the sake some mutual benefit or common objective beyond the relationship itself. Whereas, a friendship is an association entered into for the sake of being together, with the mutual benefit or common objective residing within the relationship itself. In a friendship you seek the other because you like being together, not because of what the other can do for you. In an alliance, the other is useful to you for attaining your objectives; in a friendship, your sole objective is mutual connection.

Sometimes what is a friendship for one turns out to be an alliance for the other. If this becomes known, the former may feel used by the latter. Perhaps what the latter sought from association with the former was personal information, prestige, pleasure, protection or power. Assuming that this person was using the other for their own ends, once they were reached, the other and the relationship could be abandoned, sometimes abruptly, if not painfully.

There are important reasons for forming alliances, whether as persons or as nations. Greater numbers usually garner greater power and protection, authority and significance. Just so everyone involved understands what they are really forming; just so nobody thinks they are being courted for their own sakes rather than for what they can offer those seeking the alliance. During the fragile middle school years, our children seek more alliances than friendships. They need and want something from their peers. Their relationships tend to be tentative and temporary, as they struggle to find solid footing in their shifting social world, to be accepted through their association with those deemed popular.

There are many kinds of alliances. Sports offers one example. A college football coach may seek to sign a running back not because he is the kind of person others enjoy being with, but because he runs fast, cuts well and hits holes powerfully. Politics make strange bedfellows; for the sake of common cause people join political organizations that include people they wouldn’t otherwise associate with, let alone call friends.

The military is honored kind of an alliance. Whatever your personal feelings about platoon members, you work on good relationships, because your lives depend on each another.

Religion creates interesting alliances. People work together toward the common goals of their historic and local religious traditions. They may like working with each other, yet remain together not as friends but merely as coworkers. In my years as a pastor, many of my positive relationships with parishioners were due to my official office, rather than my personality. When I moved on, the relationships ended, albeit on good terms.

As we learn from experience, it is easier to form alliances than friendships. We must be careful not to confuse them, or to assume that another is interested in us rather than in the benefits association with us might possibly offer them. We may develop many alliances in our lives, but we will likely find few friends, few who seek to be with us solely for the sake of our company. When you find such a friend, you will have found one of life’s greatest treasures.